Meeting of the Souls

It was strange we finally meet again, even if it was only in my dream. Yes, I came to see you neither in your house nor in the hospital, but I came to see you one breezy afternoon, in a kampong house, you were resting at the verandah all alone.

You were looking so dark from the chemo and radiotherapy, thin and your forlorn eyes were so sunken, but you were still you. I gave you my hand in greeting and attempted to kiss you; however, you refused and moved to the edge of the verandah, and curled yourself up like a little lost boy.

I looked you deep in your eyes and asked why. You told me that, it was because I don’t love you and I don’t care, but I refuted your claim. I told you that I love you so dearly and that I care, and I have been calling home nearly every day to check on your situation, having said that I gave you a kiss on your head.

You told me that that was not what they told you, you told me that for so long I have been their target for gossip mongering. I reciprocate by saying, it’s alright, let them be, I am fine and the Lord is watching, I can’t help it but the tears start rolling fast.

When I attempted to move away, with your thin arms you hold and hug me close, and tell me that you were sorry.

It was only a dream where I feel you hugging me, but it is enough, I know somewhere in the universe our souls meet.

You be well ok……………………………………………….

Simply Missing You

How Do You Get Through The Day?

Everyday my little angel will be wondering how I get through the day. I wonder too sometimes, but my needs in life are very simple, the computer, the TV and my thoughts keep me busy all the time. You may wonder how I cope.

There are days that I feel great and there are some days that I just want to keep the blanket over my head permanently, it is just normal. There aren't any surprises, even if there were I am no longer easily surprised. I would somehow feel an inclination or call it a notion if something were to pop up, it was just those little signs here and there, therefore, I have taught myself to be calm.

There were times that the sky above will be so dark, so much so that I feel suffocated, but I know that this time will simply have to run its course quickly, as I will not allow the darkness of the sky to have a place in even a second of my day. Getting through the day is pretty easy with a lot of supplication, and kind thoughts that help me to get rid of hatered.

I am not someone who listens to a particular song or CD, or a movie goer, I am just contented knowing that there is peace in me, living in my little home, and counting the days when we will all be together again.

So when I hear of people who feel bored all day long, people who want to keep going for no reason, people who just want to be surrounded by people, I wonder how do they get through the day.

Are you one of those?................................................................

Genetic Code Goes Wrong

I was lost for words when I was told that you were not very good today, you were not sleeping well, you were more agitated, not eating or drinking, and that you had to be given the tablet for you to sleep. For a long time, I just sat on my bed and hug the blanket very tightly to seek some answer, but as usual there were none.

Luckily, hubby came online, and we got chatting away, after having told him of your condition, we went into discussion about Big C. I read somewhere that there was some patient who thought that there is some kind of conspiracy theory on why till now no drugs are available to cure Big C.

I also told hubby that from my reading I discovered that C is in every one of us, but some was discovered before our demised, while some was discovered when we are still alive. This was the excerpt of my conversation with hubby last night:

The DNA is called the genetic code

[8:28:57 PM] shad says: its called code for a reason

[8:29:08 PM] shad says: it is just like programming code. but organic

[8:29:14 PM] shad says: and cells understand it

[8:29:27 PM] shad says: so, when this code goes wrong

[8:29:35 PM] shad says: or some strands of this DNA is lost

[8:29:55 PM] shad says: the cell does not function as intended and dies away when its life ends

[8:30:13 PM] shad says: and hence the other part of the normal body continues on

[8:30:42 PM] shad says: but in case of cancer. The code does go wrong, however, the cell keeps on reproducing more cells like it

[8:30:58 PM] shad says: and it grows . and there will be more faulty cells than normal ones

[8:31:23 PM] shad says: the faulty cells are good for nothing except reproducing erratically taking space of the other normal cells

[8:31:30 PM] shad says: and the body dies out that way

[8:31:48 PM] shad says: but if you are able to kill all those cells with faulty code then you can survive

[8:32:20 PM] shad says: another way is to correct the code itself, but that is still 10s of years away from us. it is survival of the human with the most resilient DNA

[8:41:39 PM] shad says: if your DNA is not optimal enough. the error might happen again for reasons we do not know

[8:42:27 PM] shad says: if you leave man to nature, all people who are sick will die and dont have enough time to reproduce

[8:42:43 PM] shad says: what remains are people who are not sick

[8:42:50 PM] shad says: and this is called natural selection

Thank you honey for always knowing how to make a bad day good for me, he even give me this link to make it simpler for me to put two and two together.

[8:46:35 PM] shad says: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Death

God bless…………………………………………………..

Heavy Sad Blanket

Chef Diva has been feeling down and getting sad so easily recently, this is not her normal self, sadness only comes her way just once in a while, however she is feeling sad pretty often now, and this change is alarming to me.

The college’s heavy schedule, plus nasty colleagues, couldn’t care less lecturers, being mentally and verbally abused is really bringing her down. I know it would have been a different scenario if I were there to listen and to pacify the situation for her, but we are in different time zones at the moment.

Feeling sad is normal, especially when you are going through rough times, when you feel that you are tumbling over more than you can stand, and the world seems dark and unfriendly. You are feeling sad because your were disappointed. It is alright to shed your tears because crying often makes you feel better.

Just remember that you are never alone, my prayers are always with you, I am always there comforting you, I am never too far from you. You are a fighter and I am very sure that you will be able to make all the changes you want, it does not matter if anyone acknowledges this fact, but you will know the difference on your own.

So, throw away that heavy blanket of sadness, ok, and let me hear that contagious laughter of yours again.

Spread Your Wings

I am so glad that I finally got to hear your voice, if I am not hearing all these devastating news about you being sick, you sound pretty much the same you.

Sometimes I can imagine you just staying in bed all day long, because you just can’t do anything anymore. I can also imagine you losing interest in simple things that you love doing so much, like picking up a book and start reading. I guess sometimes you just can't do anything other than sitting in a chair, blankly staring at the TV, or just sit there with endless pondering. I can imagine these tough moments.

When we talk about living life now, this will no longer mean that you will always have to be at your best, because your best is making it through every day. However, you will still be the center of attraction in any gathering you might attend, this is a given because of who you were before, and what you have become since Big C is a part of you. The check list of challenges and risks that comes with living will have its limitation now, one thing I pray that you can still do till the end will be flying.

I wish and hope that you will appreciate each day you have, be it bad or good, bright or gloomy, warm or snowy. There may be days that you will be so overwhelmed by pain, frustration and the constant nagging of “why me”, just do your best to get through the day, with hopes that tomorrow may be better.

The Lord’s treasures are plenty, even when you think your day is bad, look out your window, try to catch a rainbow after the rain, or a ray of sunlight through the trees, listen to your heart, listen to the chirping of the birds, bring back the joy of your laughter, just try anything, anything at all that can make a bad day good, that can take away the fear from you, that can make you feel like screaming out loud in thanking the Lord for another day, just another day.

After all it is your life, and who more to appreciate it but you! So when you suddenly feel bad on any day, just remember it is only you who can make the day good or otherwise.

Doing your best on any given day, and telling yourself that you will be better if tomorrow comes is a triumph by itself. Savor each moment not with sad thoughts but beautiful present, and you know what? Spread that wings of yours and keep on flying.

God Bless………………………………………..

We Are Your Strength

As of today, I have sent you two emails, and I was told that you read them, Alhamdulillah, though you have yet to reply but that is alright. I want you to know that I am thinking of you all the time.

You must remember that you have things to do in life; you have to look forward to your grand-son growing up and knowing that he has a fantastic grandpa. Once you get the energy to be positive I am very sure that you will look your old self again, the hair that might be gone today, will be back tomorrow, don’t be ashamed of your new look, in fact you should be proud of it because this goes to show that you have the might to fight.

Having Big C is not an excuse for quitting; therefore when friends come round or strangers stop by you and asked, "How are you?" just let them know that you are OK.

I want you to know that we all have one thing in common in this world that is called life. We are all fighting to live with or without Big C. It is not just about living healthy and living longer; it is simply about how we live. To each and every one of us, every single day is precious, though there were times that we forget this.

Every once in a while you would want to shed your tears, because living with Big C is scary stuff, don’t be afraid to let the tears flow, it heals your inner being, after all you are just human. Don't even be afraid to show your tears to others as I also don’t want you to be afraid to see the tears of others when they shed it for you. This is very normal.

You will get very tired by the ongoing treatment, go ahead and sleep, in some ways sleep will be a good refuge for you for a while, but don’t turn it into solace. Once you sleep off your tiredness, get up and get going again. Don’t spend too much of alone time with yourself, it is bad.

Please don’t get impatient with people who come to visit you, don’t even get tired of their common questions. You must know that these people only mean well, any suggestion that they put forward to you is their way to show that they want to help. A lot of them like me are naïve with Big C, yet we want to be there all the time to ease your moment, just be understanding ok.

Remember if you don’t have the strength, friends and loved ones will give you that strength that you needed so much to go through your moment with Big C.

Chemo Neuropathy

As I was braving the heavy snow, I can’t help wondering if you have ever had the opportunity to experience walking in the snow, how difficult it can be to walk on the thick snow, trying to ditch the slippery ice and also how your lungs react to heavily breathing in the cold wind, it is really therapeutic.

Not a day or may be a moment has gone by without you on my mind, there is so much that I wish to tell you about your situation, though I know I may not play any role at all, but nevertheless I want you to know that every day I am talking to you in my mind, literally, and I somehow wish you could feel that.

Today I want to let you know about neuropathy, I hope the doctors or the nurses might have preempted you on this information, because the situation will now be a part of your daily life.

Neuropathy is a side effect of the chemotherapy. This is a tingling feeling in both the feet and hands, the tingling may not be a pleasant feeling, to some it can be super annoying too. Don’t worry everyone undergoing chemo will experience this, so you will not be the odd one out ok, and just know that nothing can make it stop or go away, except stopping the chemo.

Many Big C clients really don’t mind the chemo, but it is the neuropathies that irritate and annoy them the most as it might be an obstacle to your daily lifestyle, like driving, typing, grooming or doing simple chores of buttoning your shirt, but I know you will get by as you are a very strong willed person.

God bless.........................

Beyond Cancer ....................Borrowed Text

Dr. Bernie Siegel MD, the author of the book Living, Loving & Healing, talked about a liver cancer survivor by the name of Fay Finkelstein, who wrote a letter to another liver cancer patient

In her letter she wrote the following 9 aspects of her thoughts, that should be shared with everyone:

One: Don't believe anyone who tells you when you will die.

Two: Nobody knows when another person will die.

Three: Liver cancer doesn't mean death, necessarily.

Four: If you want to live, fight for it.

Five: Get away from anyone who doesn't support whatever action you decide to take for yourself, and that even includes family.

Six: Find something, anything, that you truly love to do and throw yourself completely into this activity. It will become a form of meditation for you. It will take your mind off your illness and allow your body to heal itself.

Seven: If a doctor offers you a treatment and you believe in it, do it.

Eight: Believe in yourself.

Nine: Death is not a failure. Everyone dies. Just give life the best shot. I have been on different chemotherapy for two years. The drugs I believe in worked, the drugs I didn't like not only didn't work, but the tumors grew.

Remember that laughter and joy are life enhancing healing message to every cell of the body. It is important to be happy as our body will recognized that we are happy.

Shut your door to anger and sadness, as the body will acknowledge these negativities, and it will start harboring anger, sadness and resentment, and you will not want that for ever.

You be strong please.

A Game of Russian Roulette

Walking in the heavy snow is such a difficult task; I would have just dumped the whole idea of going out, if not because my little angel has to go for her medical check-up. Somehow today, I have a new feeling towards the cold dampness of winter; it was as though it is the therapy that I needed.

Prior to this, I was updated of your situation, it give me new hope that you will come out of this grime period faster than anyone would anticipate. I normally would think that the doctors are trying to poison the patient, but with a twist of good intentions through chemotherapy. This is a mean process of killing the cancer while at the same time the body is being poison, not literally killing the patient. You are on this process now and I can understand if your spirit and moral are at their lowest. It is ok, but do not go down too deep, else you will find it very difficult to climb up.

It is even normal for you to be asking and questioning after every prognosis, what will be happening next? You have the right to know at what stage the cancer has gone, how far into the system it has tunneled through, and will your poisoned body be further invaded. I want you to also know that Chemo will destroy your body to a certain extent, in order to save it. So go on just ask anything and everything that comes to your mind, do not hold back from asking, the doctors are there to assist and to make it easier for you. Please do not even stop asking ok. Like a lot of cancer patients, you may never have any initial symptoms, so don’t compare notes.

You have to understand that your life has changed from the first moment of truth, you have to adjust fast to the new you, you have no time to look back, no time to stumble, crawl or walk, you have to keep on running and running till the end of the race.

Cancer has taken over your life to a very large degree. The hospital will become your regular visiting place. Just don’t be afraid of the regularity or the impending unknown, keep going ok and never quit.

I may not be as convincing as your other siblings, but I don’t care, all I want you to know is that I love you and you ain’t alone in this game of Russian roulette.

Don't Be Afraid

From my window pane I could see the snow beginning to pile up again, my little angel had wanted to go out for days, but I have been putting it off, mainly because I hate the cold wind as well as the wet road.

For 2 nights now, I have not been sleeping well despite all the zikir, I keep thinking, wondering, contemplating, concluding and praying. Big C comes knocking on your door; I was helpless by this news. You are such a proud private person; you always think that you can weather all your problems alone which also include the arrival of Big C, and you were defeated. You must be devastated as you never want anyone to worry about you, however now the world is reaching out for you.

I just want you to be strong again, not to be afraid, stay in focus and put all your will together to fight the battle. Just know that you are not alone, just know that you are loved, and just know that everyone will try their best to keep you comfortable. All the prayers are being said for you. The Almighty willing for everything, just keep going ok.

You should take consolation in knowing that death is no stranger to anyone, not you, not me, but what's truly amazing is that you can get through something you were certain you couldn't get through by fighting, believing and hoping in the Lord. It takes courage to go through life and you have that I know.

Please don’t spend your time thinking "why me", because that will mean precious time wasted. You might have heard of the old saying, "We aren't given the burdens we deserve, we're given the burdens we can bear."

To the battle ground you go and victory you shall achieve. Good luck ………………………………

Big C Comes Marching In

The SMS on my mobile read urgent call me back, I looked at the message detail, it has been in my inbox for more than an hour. What can be so urgent that I did not notice the message, nevertheless staying in focus I called to know what was the matter.

The news was devastating, it was confusing me for a moment or was I in denial in accepting the reality of the situation. I don’t believe what I was hearing, but at the same time I know I was on solid ground. Being a volunteer with the cancer survivor, I thought it would have prepared me for such news, boy was I wrong? I was weakened by the news, one of our own has been stricken by the Big C.

Once I put the phone now, I could feel the lump of tears in my throat as it was welling up, I pinched myself to stop, just stop and be focused. Hubby not being here makes the situation a lot heavier for me. The first number that I called was Chef Diva, hearing her cheery voice calmed me down, I told her the news, and asked her to give me a couple more contact numbers.

Next I called my medic princesses but her mobile was busy, then I called my one and only, he was cooking as I break the news to him. After that all calls were long distance, and it does not help me to hold back tears, as they were crying while chatting with me. Surprisingly the tears make me feel a lot better.

I managed to break the news to hubby at last; he always has a way to pacify my emotion. Thank you love.

I am to expect more news by Monday, and I will also be advised whether to return or not, till then I am thankful to the Lord, He has reasons for everything. My prayers are with you.

You Are Just Nasty

People are nasty, well do I care? I have come across more than I could remember of nasty people, and it just goes to show that I am better.

Bring on people, if you think you can crack my universe, sorry mate, you will not have a chance, because I am selfish and yes, the last laugh is mine.

Be kind, I heard a little girl say to her friend as she was making fun of someone next to her, because kindness means peace and peace brings harmony and harmony harbors love, and we will all live happily ever after. I am sure you are alien to the meaning of all these right?

It is a small world you nasty people, of course the word that goes around comes around were so yesterday, and karma could just be another forgotten word, because your nastiness is the in-thing next to Twilight or Slumdog Millionaire.

Ha ha ha, I decided to laugh just remembering your nasty vicious manner, you look like the devil of elm street or was it Michael Jackson without his nose, only that you cover your head with beautiful hijab to be different. Your personna is so slick, you get away with your nastiness all the time. Mabrook, keep up the good work, I can only wish you well.

Take good care of your kids and yeah that nerdy equally nasty husband of yours. God bless.

Today I Sat and Watch

Today I sat and watch another plane crashed, with it more live perished, nonstop coverage about people cheating death, and surreal encounter of the first kind.

Today I sat and wonder, could this be their fated destiny, could they have changed their route, could they have known, could there be any premonition from those alive?

Today I sat and watch my little angel, so innocent, so playful, so sensitive, yet she has no care in the world, except for Friday the 13th.

Today I sat and deep in thought, thinking of my hubby and kids so far away, what were they doing, what do they eat, were they also thinking of me?

Today I sat and wonder as cheap as friendship has been for some people towards me, but the Lord sent to me another friend, who was willing to be there for me always.

Thank you Lord for today. Thank you for a caring husband, thank you for the wonderful kids and thank you Lord for a new friend.

Indeed A Super Mario

Mario arrived today 15 minutes after the appointed time; he must have been ringing the door bell for a couple of times before I heard it, because when I came to open the door he was on the mobile trying to call.

Without even having me to tell him to take off his shoe, he did just that, it was very respectful of him. We both went straight to the kitchen, and he got started with his work, while I parked myself on the chair and watched him.

Everything was fixed in like 20 minutes, then he was testing it and showing me certain control buttons, indeed he was very helpful, I immediately say my prayer of thanks to the Lord, as with His willing, the pipe is fixed. Alhamdulillah.

Mario started to clean up the table top, but I stopped him, as this is no longer his job. I went out to grab a piece of paper and pencil, so that he can write down the cost of the services, but to my surprised he refused to accept any payment from me at all, he keep shaking his head and saying no.

I was adamant that he has to be paid, or he is not leaving, so he called his girlfriend to inform me that I can pay any amount that I wanted. I quickly run to my bedroom and took out 70 Euros, and happily gave the money to him, he looked at me and shakes his head again, he only took 50 and gave me back the 20, not someone who gave up easily, I grabbed the 20 and put it in his hands, he again said no, and left the 20 on the table, as at this point I was already out of the kitchen.

May the Lord bless you Mario, you are indeed so sweet, and I feel blessed that despite the situation that I was in with Dragon, the Lord thus sent Mario at my doorsteps.

Thank you Lord, Alhamdulillah.

Super Mario

Dragon left me with no choice but to be smart and look for an alternative, this time around I did not call the polis or the gas emergency department nor the 24 hours plumber service. I decided to call the agent who helped us find this place, as usual she was helpful and within minutes, I was in contact with a handyman.

The handyman’s name was Mario, he does not speak a single word of English, so our conversation was like a chicken and a duck; however what little knowledge that I had acquired on his language helps. Since he was not free to come to the house today, we agreed that he will come at 1700 hours the next day. About 10 minutes after I closed the line with Mario, my phone rang again, this time it was Mario’s girlfriend. She has some understanding of English and was reiterating Mario’s earlier conversation with me, just to make things clear. That was sweet, I thought.

Mario came an hour later then the appointed time, but his girlfriend had called to preempt me on this. They arrived at 1800 hours, a big burly built Mario and a pretty sexy girlfriend on his arm, as his interpreter. What a sight?

Mario informed me that the damage to the leaking boiler pipe was nasty; he also said that it was mean of the last owner not to inform us of this problem.

He was struggling trying to unscrew the pipe, and almost gave up, informing me that he will come back with more equipment the next day, however, I must have looked so pathetic to him, that he gave the unscrewing another go, and finally got the pipe out. He showed me the damaged part, and decided that he will take it back with him, and return tomorrow to have it fixed.

From this moment (1930 hours) till Mario’s return, my little angel and I will have no hot water and no heater in the house in the middle of winter. Boo hooo………….. nothing can be worst.

Sad Diva And Snoring Angel

Woke up suddenly at about 0448 hours this morning, the first thought that came to my mind was Chef Diva, yes I have been worrying about her these past few days, as she was going through some tough time, now I learnt that one of her fingers were infected, so I was praying, wishing and hoping for her, in the silence darkness of my room.

I suddenly realized that my contemplation was taking over my zikir, oh Lord how could this be, I am missing Chef Diva so much, we are contagious together, we share many happy moments, I love the way she laughed and make fun of me, her sudden mood swing, and dropping lips in frustration, her hyperventilating when she’s anxious of time, her could not care attitude, and most of all the constant kisses and hugs that I will get from her. I am so helpless knowing that
she is not happy.

Above all these alone moment in my thoughts, I heard the sound of snoring, it was a real snore, how could that be, as hubby is not here? I paused and listen again, the loud snoring was so close to me, weird, yet serene, could I be missing hubby’s snoring as well?

I grabbed bear bear and try to block my mind of everything with stronger zikir, but the snoring was not stopping. I turned to my right and hug my little angel (who’s sharing my bed now). Oh oh wait a minute, I am not disillusioning the loud snoring was from my little angel, oh so innocent, yet I want to stuff her face to shut her up. Trust me as I am writing this entry she is still snoring next to me.

My love is endless.

Idiot

Not even 72 hours after hubby left disaster struck, it was a test for me, being here alone with my little angel, very limited understanding of their language, and circle of friends. However, I am thankful to any surprises that come my way, thankful that it was me and not someone else being put to test.

After dinner, I went to the kitchen to put the dishes in the dish washer, it was around 1830 hours, and I noticed that there was a small leakage from the boiler of the heater, water was dripping one drop at a time, slowly but surely. Obviously, I paniced because I cannot be in touch with hubby freely, neither do I know if this is gonna effect the boiler, my head was not thinking straight, I was afraid at the same time because of the gas.

I started to google for 24 hours plumbers that might be available here but nothing was listed, then hubby called and suggested that I use a chewing gum to cover the hole, are you for sure? Where on earth will I get the chewing gum now? Anyways, I was listening to him yet not listening, many wild things were going on my mind, as soon as he put the phone down, I dialed the police. Thank God they speak English, I was given the emergency number for gas related problems, they in turn gave me the 24 hours plumber number, but forewarned me that it will cost me the sky as it is passed the working hours, their advice was if I could wait till morning then it would be better.

Like I said the water was dripping slowly but surely, so I decided to give it a shot and call the plumber, one guy by the name of Dragon answer the phone, he speaks English, Alhamdulillah. After lamenting to him the problems, and his assurance that he can come to our place in like 5 minutes, I was delighted………………….. wait, wait hold on, the price, yes I forgot the price, called Dragon again and point blank I asked him, how much will it cost for him to come immediately (by now the time is nearly 2100 hours), shamelessly he told me 300 Euro, but I said the leaking was a tiny one, so he suggested that he come around tomorrow. Ok, whatever.

So this morning, I woke up, went to the bank to take some money, however, the ATM refused to accept my bank card, indicating that it is not recognized international. WTF? I then try another card, and it works, Alhamdulillah. On the way back, my mind was going round and round non-stop. 2nd disaster it keeps repeating.

Once home, I waited diligently for the plumber at the appointed time, he called on the dot, and asked for my address again. Fifteen minutes afterward he was not to be seen, I called and as though time is not a problem to him, he said he will come in an hour’s time. I was stunned, I called him again and again and again, but he did not pick up my call. Well, I am not a game for such arrogance, so I left him a message to cancel the appointment altogether.

Surprisingly 20 minutes after the phone message, the door bell rang and two guys were standing outside my door, they were sent by Dragon. I can’t help but being cynical, I told them that the appointment had been cancelled, ha ha ha ha. Idiot, you think I will let you have the fun, no I want to have the last laugh. Yes, I did have the last laugh, ermmmm ………………. But the water is still dripping from the boiler.

Till then I am holding my pride.

In My Head and Missing You

In my head, missing you and counting the seconds to be with you again:

“when will I see you again, when will we share precious moments?”

“one day in your life, you’ll remember a place, someone’s touching your face”

“just call my name and I’ll be there”

“would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven?”

“And if my time on earth were through, and he must face the world without me, Is the love I gave him in the past, Gonna be enough to last”

“I loved the way you felt so strong, I never wanted you to leave, I wanted you to stay here holding me”

“being here alone tonight with you, It feels so right now, feels so right now. Hold me tight”

“I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when we are together, you make me better”

“sometimes when I'm down and all alone, just like a child without a home, The love you give me keeps me hanging on, oh honey, all I ever need is you”

“well here we are again, I guess it must be fate, We've tried it on our own, But deep inside we've knownWe'd be back to set things straight”

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
And after all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to beForever you and me
After all

So Why Worry Unnecessarily?

Whatever has happened has happened for good.

Whatever is happening is happening for good.

Whatever is going to happen, it will be for good.

What have you lost for which you cry?

What did you bring with you, which you have lost?

What did you produce, which has destroyed?

You did not bring anything when you were born.

Whatever you have, you have received from Him.

Whatever you will give, you will give to Him.

You came empty handed and you will go the same way.

SO WHY WORRY UNNECESSARILY?


ByAnanth - another cancer survivor

Beef Keema and Roti Canai

Hubby is leaving again, and each time we think it will get easier, it seems to get tougher. I choose not to pack for him till the very last minute, so today we decided to do what we do best and enjoy most…………… snuggling. We only got up when our tummy was crying for mercy.

I have told him earlier that I will make some food for him to take for the trip, at least for the first night, as he will be arriving late there, and I don’t think it is advisable to go out in search of food, or to order room service. He agreed.

So, lazily I crawled out of bed and prepare the ingredients for Beef Keema, making sure that I cook extra for us to eat with Roti Canai, for lunch. Beef Keema is fairly easy to prepare and it is a sumptuous dish, which does not take too long to cook, and of course I think of my Chef Diva immediately.

Here is my version of Keema, I am sure you will enjoy this dish, and what is more interesting, you can actually potion it and put in the freezer till you need to eat. This way you will not have to stay in the kitchen like forever. Here you go:

Ingredients

Minced beef – 400 grams

1 big Bombay onion (chopped into tiny pieces), 3 cloves garlic and 1 inch ginger (to be pounded together)

½ teaspoon turmeric powder, 1 teaspoon coriander powder, 1 teaspoon cumin powder, 1 teaspoon chili powder

2 tomatoes (diced), 3 potatoes (diced)

2 tablespoon cooking oil, 2 cups water and salt to taste

Method

Heat the oil, sauté the chopped onion till soft, add the pounded garlic and ginger, sauté for another 5 minutes, then add the minced beef, fry till beef changes color. Add all the spices, diced tomatoes and potatoes, add 2 cups of water, salt to taste and cooked till potatoes are soft, and gravy thicken.

Nice to eat with bread, Roti Canai and rice.

Happy trying love…………………….

Please Don't Cry

Please don’t cry
It breaks my heart when I hear you cry
It breaks my heart cuz I am not there to give you a shoulder to lean on
It breaks my heart knowing that you are hurting so much

Please don’t cry
I want you to be strong always
I want you to know that God is with you always
I want you to be assured that no matter what I am with you always

Please don’t cry
For it is not worth your tears for such people
For it is not worth your tears to be in fear of such people
For it is not worth your tears to be shown to such people

Please don’t cry
The road ahead will be harder
The road ahead will be longer
The road ahead will be wider

Please don’t cry
My prayers are with you, and you know I will be there for you
My love is unconditional and endless
My strength will help you conquer all the obstacles that you might encounter
Please don’t cry……………………………..

Innocent Confusion

Every day I will anxiously wait for her phone call, as this will mean that she is out of school and about to board the train home. Half an hour on I will excitedly wait for her to sound the buzzer, so that I will open the main door to the building, and finally she will be in my arms and kissing me. This is our daily ritual now.

Once she finishes her afternoon shower, she will come and snuggle comfortably on my bed, so excited to fill me up with the happenings of the day at school. This is the moment that I treasure so much, because only during this precious moment that I could advise her ever so gently. This little angel of mine is super sensitive, so I have to tread with her carefully.

The conversation this afternoon:

LA: Mama today another group of friends invited me to join them for lunch

Mama: That’s good; at least you will make more friends

LA: The girls today are more interesting, we get to know each other better, but I still find it difficult to remember their names

Mama: It’s ok, just take your time

LA: Mama, you know there is this one girl and I find her quite funny

Mama: Why so?

LA: Because since Monday, she has been looking at me and giving me this one kind of a smile, and when we were at lunch, she was giving extra attention to me by putting the lunch tray for me, and clearing the rubbish from the table

Mama: That’s nice; she must be trying to make you feel very comfortable

LA: Mama, but I am not comfortable, she offer even to wait for me after school when I have to go to the Secondary office, and she touched me when we are talking

Mama: Well, most girls touch the shoulders of each other when they are walking and talking together, and I think she is being nice to you, don’t you think that is sweet

LA: Mama, I think…………….. you know, she is……….. you say the word la ma

Mama: You think she is lesbian?

LA: Yes, and I am scared la ma

Mama: Don’t be like that, give her time and see if she goes beyond what you think is right, then you go to your homeroom teacher immediately, but I don’t think so, and don’t worry ok

Of course she agreed to my advise, and silence followed, meaning the tiny head of hers is still thinking.

I hope this is only an innocent confusion.

Chicken Kurma

I spoke to the girls back home today, after 2 days not hearing any news from them. My eldest princesses picked up the phone, and cut the conversation short as she was busy in the kitchen. Chef Diva came next; she sounded so tired, and has not taken her dinner yet.

She told me that college life is really killing her, and that she’s bored of her own cooking as well as the college food, and she misses mama’s food. Poor thing, she is simply fantastic with Western cuisine but sucks big time with Asian cooking (maybe she does not like these kind of cooking, as it can be messy).

Anyways, Chicken Kurma and broccoli tofu was on our menu today. Chef Diva loves Chicken Kurma so much, therefore, I am now sharing this simple recipe for her to try and anyone with the same taste bud.

Ingredients:

1 onion, 3 clove garlic, 1 inch fresh ginger to be pounded together
1/2 chicken cut into small pieces (mix the Kurma spice to the clean chicken and leave for 10 minutes)
½ cup yoghurt
3 cups water
1 packet Kurma spice mix
2 fresh tomatoes (cut into small wedges)
2 medium size potatoes (cut into small wedges)
Spring onion (cut into 1 inch length)
Cooking oil, salt to taste

Method
Heat cooking oil in a pot, add the pounded ingredients till fragrant, add the chicken pieces and fry further till chicken changes color, add the potatoes, yoghurt and water. Let it boil on slow fire till the potatoes are ready. Last, add salt, tomatoes and spring onion, bring to boil for another 8 minutes, then turn off the fire.

Happy trying ...........empang :)

She is A Survivor

She called me as soon as she was on the way to the station from school, she sounded happy. Alhamdulillah. When I opened the door to welcome her home, she was shivering from the cold wind, yet so warm and bubbly, full of stories of the day to share with me.

In conclusion the 2nd day at school went very well, she made more friends and discovered more things that she liked about the school, among which:

- She changed into her PE attire just like the rest did (smile…..)

- She likes the theater where they can watch movie while waiting for the break time to be over

- She likes the way the teacher will call students out of class to be reprimanded instead of putting them to shame in front of the class

- She likes how her friends all will wait for her, despite she telling them to go first, while she stopped to purchase the train ticket

- She is so simply smitten by the CAD subject as it was far better than her previous school

- She likes when the German language teacher tested her on the language and she got through well

In short she is happier on the second day. However, mama was sad when she decided to inform the homeroom teacher that she is not interested in going for the one week Ski Camp, Reason was that she needed time to get used to all of the new friends, before living together with them during the Camp. Mama can only respect her decision.

Oh by the way, she was also surprised how none of the friends in school were into Facebook, Friendster and so on. Alhamdulillah, I am happy for this.

She is a survivor

1st Day Conversation

I told my little angel that I will not be fetching her from school today, as I want her to be familiar with the route, to and from school. She was a bit skeptical at first, but agreed to this arrangement. Little did she know that I was just testing her, so when the school ended, I was there, of course hiding from her.

After waiting for almost 10 minutes, I saw my little angel putting on her jacket, and confidently walking out of the school, I followed her from a distance and I could see that she was hesitant but has no choice except to carry on.

However, as she was about to cross to the station, she turned round and caught the sight of me, the smile on her face was indescribable, her arms quickly extended for a hug, and her lips jutting out for a quick kiss. Ahhhhhhhhhh…………………. Only a mother could feel what I am feeling. The conversation follows:

LA: Mama, you said you are not coming

Mama: I just want to see if you know the way or not, how’s school, do you like it?

LA: No, I don’t like it, it is difficult?

Mama: Why? You have no one to escort you is it?

LA: No, I have so many friends who were so willing to be my escorts, but I don’t like having to change and look for classes

Mama: I see, but I told you already, this is the system here, so how now, I don’t want you to be unhappy, do you want to go back to Beaconhouse?

LA: NO

From here the conversations become more interesting accompanied with laughter, and the exchange of opinions.

LA: Ma, you know the girls when they change for games, they just take off their clothes in front of the rest of the girls in the changing room.

Mama: Really? So what did you do?

LA: I pretend not to look (and she laughed)

Mama: It’s ok, you will have to change like that also, because the WC and the shower room is not for changing, if you decide to use these places, then you will be holding the rest of the gang from using the WC and shower for the right purpose

LA: But, how Ma, I cannot

Mama: Try la slowly, you don’t want to be the odd one out right?

Today, her second day in school, she forgot her mobile, as usual I will not be at peace if I don’t send the phone to her, so I did just that, and I cannot wait to know how she changed into her sports attire today as PE is on the time table.

Mama, wondering and smiling

A New Beginning

She was still reading one of her favorite books when I told her to switch off the light and go to bed; obediently she did what she was told without even a single word of protest. After 30 minutes I could still feel that she was just tossing and turning on the sofa outside my room, and not sleeping yet.

Tomorrow will be a new day for her, a new venture, a new place and a new world. I could only wish her all the best as I say a little prayer for her to have the best of her school life. All the time prior to her first day at school, she was all bubbly and excited about the experience she will be encountering, however, yesterday evening as we were chatting in my little kitchen; she was having all butterflies in her tummy and was jittery.

This little angel of mine is normally very confident of herself when she is left alone to fan for herself, but now she is a picture of a lost kitten, I was feeling for her. The questions that she started pouring out to me indicated that she is losing the excitement of a new beginning.

When the alarm rang, it did not take much for me to wake her up. She went straight to the shower and was very silent. The night before, she had requested that I pack egg sandwich for her, sensing that she need her alone time, I went to prepare the sandwich, while in my heart I was saying some prayers and hoping that her first day at school will be a memorable one.

My little angel has a new beginning

Burger King Freebies

Saturday is normally our groceries shopping day, but today my little angel was not up to it, so we left her in the house to have all the sleep that her young body needed. Hubby and I set on our non planned journey as usual.

Our first stop was at the Orange to register for a new mobile line, so that my present one can be given to my little angel (as she is starting school this week), the norm at Orange is that you will see unfriendly faces with super rude attitude staff, and to be heard you just have to be as rude, however, this Saturday was different, we were met by a staff that was super helpful and nice, so we end up being carried away with all questions so far to be answered by the said staff. Therefore, the time spent at Orange was extended to nearly an hour.

Out of Orange we went to several shops and discovered that it is ridiculous to carry all the groceries while we are still walking around, and at the same time, I have this urge for some hot juicy potatoes chips, which can only be available in Burger King, of course with hubby nothing is impossible, so to Burger King we went just to satisfy our greedy appetite.

The Burger King joint here is very inviting, clean despite the buzzing of locals and tourists together. We were served within minutes, even though the queue was quite long, this is efficient in the true meaning.

Anyways, what I wanted to blog about this joint was how disciplined the people were, free paper crowns for kids as well as balloons were placed so neatly on the table at the entrance, and you can see that each parent will just take one each for their kids and leave. This is so different from the scene back home, where when parents see freebies, they just simply go crazy, and instead of taking what is required, they will start taking whatever is available. This is because they have also got to take home for their neighbors, their extended family or may be their friends too, so by the end of the day only a handful of family will get the freebies, instead of the whole patron of the joint. Weird right, but this is our people’s attitude of greed, even for simple things like balloons and paper hats.

Will we ever change? I doubt so.

3 Empty Stomachs

How else can you pacify 3 empty stomachs, on a chilly winter afternoon? The answers are:

Hot Miso Soup

Salmon Roe California Rolls

Salmon Sashimi

Vegetable Tempura, and

Bento Box

Soya simple delicious.