This Is It

“This is what it is, this is it”, I said to myself, there is no turning back, no point regretting or going into the mode of “why me”. I am willing to accept the facts that no matter how many doctors that I have visited, and how many different diagnosis that was given, nothing is going to change.

This is now my real state of situation, living and embracing in the growing pain. I am emphatic and noting the facts that no matter what, things can only get worse, therefore, I am standing by the rules and regulations of pain management. Sometimes it works and most of the time it will be a failure. I am beginning to despise being experimented upon. After all doctors are just human, and the tendency of them making mistake is much higher than normal people.

I am not sure or rather I DON’T know what the future holds but I do know that I'm going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate, and in need of someone to be by my side all the time. This is what it is for me now and I will not say or think what it should have been or could have been.

Well, I Have

Have you ever thought of killing someone?

Well, I have and if only that is a noble job

I would have kill that someone since the day she was born

Yeah………………………. And I am talking about me

BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Same thing, same date, same place, different year; they call this tradition but to me it is BORING already.  Every corner you turn is products from China with a local touch.

 

 

 

 

 

If I Don't Write

and I want you to know that, and I don't fucking care if you are judging me or laughing at my grammar. do me a favor...................................stop reading my blog, I would appreciate that.

and I am thankful for today............................... go judge my typo error.

My Version Of "Kuih Ketayap"

Hubby requested for the moist chocolate cake, since I did not have all the main ingredient in store, I could not bake one for him. However, to make up for the sweet craving I made “Kuih Ketayap” instead. By the way, this is one of his favorite local deserts.

 This is my "Kuih Ketayap"

Since there is no fresh grated coconut flesh available here, I replaced this with desiccated coconut instead. This was cooked together with some coconut milk, dark palm sugar and light palm sugar. the pancake skin wrapping was made by mixing together some flour, one egg, one teaspoon of salt and water.

I'm Moving On

Just Temporary

There are many dots in my life that I have not been able to put together, this is because I was busy helping others to find the connection of their life. I wonder and looking backwards to my life, how many dots have I missed in the connection along the way, and how many dots that I have purposely passed? And, could this be the reasons that I am still feeling incomplete?

I guess it does not really matter, as I trust that the dots of my life will somehow connect in the future. Everything is destine and even if I have missed anything in the past, and may miss in my present, I know I am gonna get that dot back in my future.

Therefore, this feeling of incomplete is just temporary, though I must admit that it can be bothering me at times.

My Tepung Pelita

I have wanted to make Tepung Pelita for some time now, and have been postponing this because I was not sure of the method; and also for the lack and difficulty of finding the right ingredients.   Today, I finally decided that I will give it a go.

 

This is my Tepung Pelita, I am sure it is not right but I love the taste.

The ready Tepung Pelita before refrigeration

 Screw Pine leaves cut into small pieces and blended, in order to extract the juice

 

 Melting Palm sugar (which I added at the base of the Tepung Pelita)

 Rice flour, plus some raw brown sugar and screw pine leave juice cook under slow fire

 

Rice flour with coconut milk and some salt cook under slow fire, for the last layer of the Tepung Pelita

The melted palm sugar in 4 containers cool and ready for the first and second topping

Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I clock eight hours of sleep. I was happy and thankful, but then I remembered that yesterday I had a walk, and the walk took me to my doctor’s office. Therefore, my eight hours of sleep was induced by the magic pill.

Now, I am sad, because I realized that after the magic pills the pain becomes more prominent.

Dammit!!!!!

Ongoing Symptoms

MRI - white spots.

My ongoing symptoms:

Electric shock-like sensation radiating from my spine and into my right Arm, this is more evidence when I flex my neck.

Feeling tired most of the time, as well as the feeling of dizziness.

Visual disturbance, blurring of vision
.
Tingling and different degrees of pain (very painful), mostly in my right arm, shoulder and neck.
Back pain.

Leg cramps which often occur during sleep.

Pain in my feet after continuous walking

You Can Call Me Garfield

 

 

 

For the past couple of days I have been pretending to be a cat, I will purr like a cat, scratch like a cat, fuss around like a cat but most of all I will snuggle up like a cat. I like it when my little unit is being entertained by my clowning around. By behaving this way, I am trying to bury the constant pain that has taken over my daily life.

It is not easy to feel so wasted, I keeping telling myself that I can overcome any hurdle in this life, I am one that has got high tolerance for pain, but now I surrender, I just succumb to it. There is really nothing much that I have not done or can do anymore for the moment. Visits to the doctors are beginning to frustrate me and I am ditching more appointments. I don’t even go for the follow up with my new neurologist. Heck them all, I just want to be a cat now.

I will just sit on the window seal and watch the autumn leaves falling one by one, I will count the early snow that trickle from the branches, I will keep on laughing at the many black birds that keep hitting against my window, then I will go back to my comfort zone and snuggle up against all the humongous cushions. I am a cat remember, cats love to snooze.

I want to snooze my pain away and pick on my favorite food, and when summer comes I will be that fat, fat orange cat, and you can call me Garfield.

Battered

First drop of snow has begun, the temperature is at -3 degree today, and I slipped and fell in the bathtub. Therefore my battered body is more battered now. What a way to welcome the beginning of the sleeping bag living.

Ah………….. well.

Blueberry And Raspberry Cake

Since blueberry and raspberry are in abundance in the market now, I decided to try my hand at baking this cake. The recipe as usual is a mixture of some other cake recipe but with some adjustment. In any case of trial and error, you can never get it perfect the first time around, but the cake was so soft and the taste of the mix berries is just fantastic. And what really matters is that my little unit enjoyed it to the last crumbs.

Here’s the recipe if you would like to give it a go.

INGREDIENTS

1.5 cup all-purpose flour plus
1.5 tablespoon of flour for the fruits
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon vanilla essence
3/4 cup of margarine
3/4 cup raw brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup of blueberries and 1 cup of raspberries, rinsed and leave to dry on paper towel for at least 10 minutes
1 tablespoon of lemon juice
Powdered sugar for dusting (optional)

METHOD

Lightly butter a 9 in pan and dust with some flour and set aside. Preheat the oven to 350°F.
Combine 1.5 cup of flour in a bowl together with the baking powder, baking soda and salt and set aside.

In a mixer, blend together the margarine and raw brown sugar on high speed until light and fluffy, add in the eggs one at a time and blend well, then add in the vanilla essence. Reduce the speed of the mixer to low and slowly add in the flour mixture, blending well until smooth. Pour the batter into the prepared baking pan.

Combine the berries with the 1.5 tablespoon of flour, and add the lemon juice in a bowl. Carefully spoon the berry mixture over the batter.

Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Remove from oven and let the cake cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then transfer the cake to a platter, berry side up. Dust the cake with powdered sugar before serving.

Note: This cake has a very soft texture and goes well with mint tea.

Encrusted In Charcoal

 

 

It is that beautiful time of the year again. Nothing is more beautiful and more imaginable than autumn, yet it brought with it the smell of death. When I look out of my windows all I could see are black birds trying to eat the fallen berries, and along the way they hit hard against my window and fall down dead on the ground. The grass is no longer growing, the basil has long gone dead, and the leaves though pretty are all weary and dead. It is as though you don’t have to care for anything anymore; things are just dying in front of your eyes.

Autumn to me is a mosaic of water color and oil painting that is encrusted in charcoal. It is beautiful yet deadly.

May be I am just like all the falling leaves, that hide the path of all my miseries, pretending to be dead, but yet I am still alive.

I Am Bad

Saturday was not really a good day. The pain was over powering every part of my body. I feel frustrated; no amount of physio that was taught to me was working. The pain somehow was more excruciating; I wish I have a crystal ball in front of me to let me know the root cause of all the pain.

Hubby tried everything possible to make me feel as comfortable, but nothing was working. He cooks whatever he knows how to, from fried instant noodle (using his own recipe of course), to making tzatziki, to baking some puff pastry, nothing is working for me. I was like a brat attacking him just to get over my frustration of the pain.

I am bad, so bad indeed, but who would not if I am finding it a real chore to even comb my hair?

The Walking Dead

What can jolt me from my slumber?
Two shrilling aka noisy aka freaking angels watching………………………… you guess right
The Walking Dead.

Are they for reals?

Oyster Time

It’s Oyster time again, where are you Alia?

 

MRI

 

Technician: this is the panic ball, you will hold it in your right hand, and at any time you feel scared and not comfortable, please press the panic ball and I will stop the process.

Me: ok, but will it be a scary experience?

Technician: imagine you are watching a washing machine or imagine you in a washing machine.

Me: oh……. Ermmmm…….. ahhhh ………….. ok

Technician: I will have to put on this headphone on you. This is because the noise while you are in the MRI can be unbearable.

Me: ok, do I really have to? May be it will be better without it

Technician: trust me, you will need this and by the way, it is also a requirement

Me: (to myself, whatever). At this point of time I was not feeling comfortable already

Technician: I will put this metal piece on your face; this is to protect your face ok

Me: (whatever). Eyes tied closed already

Technician: are you comfortable, can I push you in now?

Me: hemmm…………………………..

Technician: remember the panic ball, press anytime and I will stop the process

Within minutes the MRI started, it was alright in the beginning but truth be told, as much as I wanted to open my eyes, I did not. I was scared stiff. The sound of the machine was just like what the technician had described. Like a washing machine, at one point of time I nearly pressed the panic ball when the sound was super loud.

So that was my experience with 15 minutes of MRI.

Not A Good Person

After more than 6 hours of waiting, after more than I had anticipated number of tests, I was bored, tired, hungry and close to acting the stupid clown that everyone would love to hate. This is me while waiting for the brain MRI moment. Because of the required dye that you might need to be injected into you after the first cycle of MRI, I could not fold my arms and where I was punched for the tap is one of the most painful areas to do.

I was just not a good person that day because of all the pain.

My Pupil

 

I was subject to many tests in order to rule out many things that could lead to the severe sharp pain that I was feeling on the upper left side of my head. One of them was the dilation of my left eye pupil. Some kind of eye drop was used, but before this many other things were done to the eyes.

The examination enables the optometrist to see more of my retina, which is the light-sensitive layer of tissue at the back of the eye. This was not a pleasant situation, I don’t like doing this at all, and I had twice the experience. But, whatever that is going to be good to resolve my situation I am game for it. The optometrist wanted to rule out signs of disease.

It was really horrible, as my vision remained blurred for a long long time after the examination, and lights and brightness just hurt the eye. Diagnosis was good, no signs of infection or disease were found, but it was discovered that I have very dry eyes, and usage of regular eye drops are recommended.

However, further blood test was requested by the optometrist for I don’t what.

Failed

 Attempt 1 by doctor: failed

Attempt 2 by doctor: failed (he said he cannot do this as it was not his job)

Attempt 3 by phlebotomist: failed

 Attempt 4 by phlebotomist: (thank you Lord)

Or Is It Wrong?

Me to Chef Diva: Baby, can you please pass my coffee to me, by the way are your hands clean

She just looked at me and rolled her eyes.

Me to my little angel: Sayang, can you fetch a root beer from the fridge for me please.

LA: ok mama

Me: please wash your hands first and wipe the can before you bring it over

LA: ok mama

When she hand me the can of root beer

Me: is it wiped and clean?

She looked at me and rolled her eyes

Me: Honey, can you cut the apples for me please, and don’t forget the cinnamon powder

Hubby: ok

Me: Honey, please wash your hands and make sure that they are clean before cutting the apples

Hubby: What’s up with you and your obsessions of being clean?

Well, honestly, I don’t know but it is becoming too much. I realized that too. But then again what is wrong with being over clean right?

Or is it wrong?

My Head, My Head

Ouch……………………………. My head, my head.  Can’t wait for daybreak.

Let Me Not Be Another Statistic

Down with fever, the throbbing head continues from last Friday. The pain killer and medication is no longer helping. Next appointment will be November 21, 2011. Spent most of my time trying to figure out what could be so wrong with my system.

This morning while watching X Factor with Chef Diva, suddenly I could not focus on the screen anymore. My head was spinning, and all vision was blurred. I was shocked, lying down on the couch; I reached out for Chef Diva’s hands and start some supplication. Hubby was requested home immediately.

I puked my whole stomach content on the living floor, head still spinning. All the telltale signs of something that I pray will not be; were flashing in front of my eyes. Tomorrow, I decided to market for another doctor so that treatment could be moved forward.

Let me not be another statistic, insyaAllah.

What's Cooking?

  Pineapple Upside down, a requested by my Chef Diva.  Please refer to my old entry for recipe

 Fried snake beans with tofu and bean thread (soo hoon)

 My angels’ favorite egg sandwiches, this is a common sandwich for the family.  We served this sandwich for breakfast, evening tea or as pack for picnic.

 Sardine and potatoes puff pastry 

 Home salad – we normally eat this salad with my own charred steak.  Ingredients of the salad: cherry tomatoes, cucumber, feta cheese, dried tomatoes, green apple and avocado.  No dressing is needed.

 Prata with beef rendang (please refer to my old entry for the recipe of beef rendang).  The prata is from Sri Lanka, we bought ready made from the commissary.

 Poached eggs

Fried beef liver with ginger, garlic and parsley