There Lay Me

We talked as though there is no tomorrow, there were so much that she wanted to tell me, and so much that I don't even bother to know. It was nice to laugh at common things that we used to share together, and to walk a few steps back down memory lane.

She was going over and over again about subjects that probably are of interest to her, but to me I just see that subject as BORING, yeah get that simply boring. I don't know but I am just not interested to be included as another voice in the crowd, or another spectator to the foolish group. Playing pretending game is just not in my vocabulary, I am the extremist of both ends, either I like or I don't, be truthful or just fuck off.

The blood ties had gone so tainted that I no longer care what feelings they have, I guess it is kind of bad on my part, but I hope the Lord will forgive me. I am so thankful that I am able to close every chapter of hatred that they had built, and look at that chapter as an outsider of the fake fortress of theirs.

There was some teary voice from her, but I am just too stoned to feel anything at all, however, I just teased her and told her that I am happy for everyone and I can only wish them the best. She went to reminisce all the things that I have done and how much she is missing that................... ha ha too bad, because I have given more than I have taken, so yeah............... no more from me.

She asked me when I will return, I laughed and told her that I am not returning, and should anyone want to know about me, just direct them to the unmarked grave, for there lay my wrenched heart, there lay all my wilted dreams, and there lay all my broken hopes.

Remember when you pass by that unmarked grave I am buried there, still praying that the tide will wash away all the bitterness that had been piling all these years.

But I do love you still, so stop those crocodile tears ok.

Train of Thoughts

Many times I told myself life is not about contemplation, say your prayer, talk to Him, and move on. However, being human, you get fascinated by talking with your own thoughts. You simply cannot get enough boarding each train of thought, getting out from one coach and not hesitating to board the next one. Funny, but why?

Some of the cancer friends or bloggers that I happened to know has demised peacefully, the latest being Hasnah (Al Fatiha, she passed just a few days before shawal). She talked freely about her experience, the regime of chemotherapy, how bored she was with hearing no other news except cancer, cancer and more cancer. She was jolly about it, and was never bitter with her situation.

Then I watched the Margaret Moth Untold Story, this lady is just indescribable, she was shot while on assignment in Sarajevo and nearly lost her life, she bounced back, traveled back to Sarajevo and started working again, as though nothing had hit her.

Now she is in hospice, she have terminal cancer which was not captured early enough. But she lived her life, she did everything that she wanted to do, she had been there and done that over and over again. She said life is not about how long you get to live, but how you live your life.

I believe I have lived my life the way I was destined to live it, no regrets, I may be scorned upon by one and all, but who cares it is my life after all, and when He invites me back to His arm, none whatsoever of what has being said, and speculated about me will make any difference. I owe none of you any explanation.

Yes, live life and do not fight your destiny, for only the Lord knows what is there for you.

Adorable Curiosity

The curiosity mind of an adorable being............... ooiiii just love this!!!!!

Talk The Talk, Walk The Walk

You told them that I was the reason for your short lived education
But then again you told them so many things negative about me
I just nod my head when the stories come back to me and smile
No comment

You said you wasted your entire life for them, in fact you spit that word to me
But then I know you are very short sighted, so what filth from you is just like a passing fart
I just listen, and move on, adding to my total, yet another of your obnoxiousness
No comment

You can talk as much as you want, because that’s what you have become now
But then don’t ever forget that when you point a single finger at me,

ten more will be pointing at you
I just count the days and pray to the Lord that you will see the door to repent
No comment

Anyways, why don’t you talk the talk and walk the walk, like a real man should be

And yeah, stop bullshitting can

Starting at Peace

My little angel was given no vacation on September 21, in fact she was all geared to go dressed in white to participate in the celebration of world Peace Day. It was a one day of non violence and all nations were expecting a ceasation of fire.

In the small community of her school, the children did a formation of a white dove as a symbol of peace, and she was so happy to be a part of that small community. They had to forgo their home room session in order to participate as a piece of the white dove.

She was happy that her grade was chosen, and I hope this memory will stay with her in years to come. Peace is such a lonely word in this hipocratical world, be it among friends, family and nations. Maybe her generation will learn to appreciate peace and live to that expection.

I am starting with being at peace with myself.

From A Friend - To Share

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy
5. Make time for prayer (trust me, you will be surprised with the peace within)
6. Play more games (try outdoor too instead of just the computer games)
7. Read more books than you did in 2008
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day (and think, yes think)
9. Sleep for 7 hours
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day ---- and while you walk, smile

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about (love what the Lord has given to you)
12. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do ; keep your limits
14. Don't take yourself so seriously ; no one else does
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip (honestly, STOP!!!!)
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra classes but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
25. Call your family often
26. Each day give something good to others
27. Forgive everyone for everything
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day
30. What other people think of you is none of your business (we are not their business too)
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right things
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
34. GOD heals everything (trust Him with everything)
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
37. The best is yet to come
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Eid Mubarak

Taking this opportunity to wish each and everyone of my Muslim readers, friends and family a blessed Eid Al Fitr. Away from home, we have very limited resources to cook what we would normally have for Eid celebration.

Nevertheless, I managed to create my own 'nasi himpit', it was nice, but a bit soft as I do not have heavy things to 'himpit' the rice with, well it is nice though. However, the beef rendang and sambal kacang was just superb. My kuah lodeh was with low fat santan (*wink* *wink* to my medic princes).

We also exchange dishes with a friend here, so ok la, nothing much to shout about, but it was nice, alhamdulillah.

I Love You Abah

The ringing of the phone very early in the morning jolted me from my sleep. Normally, I would have been awake but today being Saturday; I decided to nap again after the Subuh prayers.

When I answered, there was no one on the line; I waited for awhile till the line went dead. Actually, I was still too sleepy to even bother look at the number. Not long after the phone rang again.

This time I sit up and look at the number before answering it, it was an overseas call. Then that voice that I am missing so much comes through, it was Abah, what a blessing to hear his voice again.

Abah called, yea, yea, what a way to complete this blissful Ramadhan. We talked at length asking each other questions, and hearing Abah’s laughter was surreal. He sounded so good; I could just go on, if only the cost of the calls could have been cheaper.

I invited Abah to come and visit, InsyaAllah, he said. I hope he will, Abah to me is the best man in this entire world. May the Lord keep you healthy and happy always.

I love you Abah.

Happy Birthday Alia

To my precious Alia, here's wishing you a very Happy Birthday and May the Lord keep you safe always.

I love you endless.

I Read What You Write

I want you to know that I read nearly all your entry which was copied and pasted to me by one of your friends. It is sad how spiteful you have become; I wonder what I could have done so wrong for you to be so bitter towards me. Don’t you think that I should be the one to have those feelings towards you?

This is a free world, go ahead and write as much as you want, why do you make your blog private, if you are so confidence that what you are writing is the truth about the flit that you have for me, don’t you think you should be responsible and daring enough to let the world know?

I forgive you for your entire misdemeanor, now it is your turn to ask for forgiveness from the Lord. The world may be your oyster now, but do remember that every dog does has its day, so before yours come, please repent.

Take a moment, look in the mirror, and honestly ask yourself, why you are doing this. All the best.

This Teddy

When you were born even the insurance agent was privileged to be informed, but not me. It’s ok. Then I saw your picture for the first time, I was sure it was love at first sight, you were so adorable, so peaceful and I just miss you.

I don’t know if we will ever meet, as my decisions were sealed that day when I was made a leper. The message was very clear; I should stop dreaming while holding on to an empty promise. It’s ok. Life is about moving on.

You will never know how many times I cried shamelessly in the shopping mall, as everything baby reminds me of you. The converse high cut in red was in my hand for a long long time, but I was afraid if I were to purchase it, where do I send it to. The last gift that I bought for you was directed to a wrong address, I should take the hit right, that you are not to receive anything from me, it’s ok.

I want you to know that not a day passes without me talking to you, smiling at you, looking into those curious eyes of yours with love, at times I will be sobbing alone, wondering if you will ever know me, wondering if I will ever get to cuddle you at least once, wondering if you will ever run to me……….. ahh it hurts.

There were many toys that I bought for you, beautiful nursery rhymes, flash cards, I hold on to them and then I let them go one by one, because I don’t want to be wrong in your life, my gifts can never be safe enough or good enough for you. They mocked me, but it’s ok.

This teddy with the word I love you is among a few of the gifts that I am still holding on, till I find someone who will appreciate it to give it to. This teddy is super soft, may be not as soft as your skin, but I was careful when I selected this teddy as I do not want anything given to you not to pass their quality checks, but I know this teddy will not go to you, it’s ok.

I love you baby, I pray for you each day, I know you will grow up to be someone that I will be proud of. If our paths never cross at all, I hold you very close to my heart, and you be a good boy now ok.

On your first celebration of eid, may I wish you a bless Eid Mubarak.

Fireplace

We started burning wood in the fireplace last night; this is because the temperature has dropped to at least 14 degree by night, while it is still bearable during the day. Hubby had however purchased the compressed wood instead of the normal wood, burning the compressed wood take a bit of skill, but it does not last long, by morning we were down with the last wood.

I simply love the smell of the burning wood; my little angel claimed that the living area now smells like a Spa. Nevertheless, it gave us the feeling of warm and real cozy which is really what we had aimed for. I requested hubby to get more wood after work today, as I am kind of getting the hang of it and the kids love that it is so warm.

Now I understand why even some houses back home build fireplaces in their house when the tropical climate does not even demand for that. It just gives the sensation of a warm spa in your own living room.

................. enjoying this!!!!!

If I Ever Get To Heaven

If I ever get to heaven, all I want is to be with you, because you have given me the best time of my life. I love you.

That Sweet Flowery Smell

Walking back to the room after my ablution hubby questioned me, “honey, what is that smell?”, I was surprised, and asked him what does he mean. He said, can you smell that, it is the sweet smell of flowers, come and smell, he mused on, but I have to do my prayers, and if it is what I thought it is ………….. Alhamdulillah.

After my prayer, he kept asking me if I smell what he smells, I just smiled and told him that may be the angel has come to pay us a visit, he was adamant that the sweet flowery smells come from within our room, can I argue?

This Ramadhan has really been a different experience for me, I feel more at peace, more at ease and more receptive to everything. We have been blessed by a lot of good things and it helps me to close all doors of this family to any negativity. It was also another blessing for me when hubby said that he would like to do the Shawwal fasting too, Alhamdulillah.

To my medic princess I hope you feel His blessings too, and be calm in your life always, no matter what.

The Happy Box

Packed with care, signed with love from all of us, sealed with hope and deposited with trust. It is on priority and should be in flight onward bound to you any time. Hoping that the happy box will arrive at your door step on time, InsyaAllah.

We may not be there with you physically, but we are always with you in our hearts and mind, and for your information, we always recall all the humorous things we did together. In short we miss and love you so much.

Penantian tu adalah satu penyeseksaan kan (he he he).

Stop Shrilling Please

Ever since the time of her accident, a shrill from any of the kids will suddenly pull a very tight string to my heart, and send my head spinning. When we were online today, she suddenly called with this shrill of excitement, hearing that familiar shrill, I shudder suddenly in anticipation.

What an impact that accident had on me till this moment, I hope in time I would be able to overcome it. However, it does not help much if they keep on coming to me with the same scenario. For example today, in the morning it was my medic princess shrills of excitement that sent my mind boggling, then in the evening, while I was in the back room hanging clothes, suddenly the house was filled up with a loud shrill from Chef Diva. I just stood there and waited what could this shrilling be now?

She came running to the room, holding her cheeks in her hands, jumping with joy just to tell me that her indie group (Tegan and Sara) will be having their Europe concerts. My jaw dropped as I looked at her, oh my God, all the shrills just for this?!!!!!!!

I hope they realize that their mother is not getting any younger and that there is so much that her battered mind and heart can take. So my darling children, be kind or be ready to send me down under.

Stop shrilling for heaven sake.

First Try at Fatteh Humus

First try at vegetarian fatteh humus, I like the one with meat, but hubby wanted to try the vegetarian version, so he won. It took a lot of preparation to make this dish. The ingredients are simply cut into small squares and deep fried. We used potatoes, eggplant and zucchini.

You need a can of chick peas, boil them till soft and let it cool. For the sauce, mix some yogurt with crushed garlic, lemon juice and salt to taste. Some Arabic bread, cut into tiny squares and baked in the oven till brown and crispy. Finally, heat some butter in a frying pan and fry some chopped almonds, this is to be poured over the salad hot, as it will add a unique taste to the whole dish.

In a shallow bowl add the brown crispy Arabic bread, all the fried vegetables, next the boiled chick peas (without the water), pour the sauce over the assembled vegetables, and finally pour the fried chopped almond together with the butter.

As usual for me there is no one mandatory measurement, just use your ability to imagine. On this day of fatteh humus, Chef Diva, complimented us with a pineapple upside down cake for dessert.

Fasting in the Month of Shawwal

As the Ramadhan is fast approaching its ending, I told the angels that I would like to do the six days of fasting in the month of Shawwal. There was no comment from Chef Diva; however, the curious little angel will always have questions to make her understand the concept of the six days fasting.

I explained to her what I know to the best, she was attentive all the time, and finally telling me that she wants to do the same with me, Alhamdulillah for her desire to try and do the six days of fasting. This time round I don’t think it will be as long as the Ramadhan month timing, as the weather has now changed and night approaches earlier. InsyaAllah.

But, again, this six days fasting is not obligatory, rather only recommended. There is reward for whoever does it, and no sin upon anyone who leaves it.

Fasting Six days in the month of Shawwal
Abu Ayyoub reported that the Messenger of Allah, salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam said "Whoever fasts the month of Ramadhan and then follows it by fasting six days during the month of Shawwal will be rewarded as if he had fasted the entire year. [Muslim, at-Tirmithi, Ibn Majah, Abu Dawood and Ahmad by way of Jabir].

She Shops Till I Dropped

Look how happy she was? It must be one heaven of an experience to have your own money, to do what you want to do, and to get what you want to get. This was Chef Diva in one of her extreme happiness in a place that she loves to be living in. Yeah, she shops till I dropped.

You Were So Mistaken

On the final day of your departure from the virtual world, may you now be at peace. Whatever was in your closet, let them speculate but only the Lord knows best.

Smile and know that the world is still thinking of you, but they can no longer abuse you.

The Power of Praying

My mind totally was shut off from all the planning pursuing the good news that we received. For almost every day my thinking cap was revolving around my medic princess, thank you for two beautiful friends who were willing to extend their hands to her, which also eased my worrying a bit.

Yesterday, I finally realized that I had so many things to do before May of next year (InsyaAllah). Hubby and I prepared a small advert to be posted on the notice board; while at the same time I sent an email to someone that we are comfortable with, informing her of our intentions.

Staying alone, I keep on organizing things mentally, till to a point that I was feeling drained out by my own OCDs. At this point of time, I can only turn to the Almighty Lord for peace and solace. I kneeled down to Him and asked Him to bless us with our desires, to bless us with our planning and to help us meet our intended timeliness.

Please trust me when I say that I believe in the power of praying. It was during Iftar, the phone rang, it was not a familiar number, I answered in between my two angels’ busy digging into their plates (hubby had dinner outside). Yes, the first caller, yes the first person to show an interest, yes they may not close down the deal, but Almighty Lord had answered my prayers. I felt choked with this blessing, and could only go on thanking Him while the desire for eating my Iftar just vanished.

To my kids, trust no one but Him, as He will not fail you, but be patient with your power of praying.

Thank you Lord.

Shattered By Your Tears

For the Ramadhan month I have to wake up a couple of times, firstly to wake everyone up for `syahur’, then to see Chef Diva off to work, third time to wake my little angel and finally to wake hubby and see him off to work.

Last Thursday was nothing different, the routine was adhered to, and once everyone was out of the house, I went and cleaned the kitchen or put the laundry to wash while waiting for the phone call from my little angel to let me know that she is safe in school. Once all these were in place, I went back to my room to catch up on my sleep or to watch the news on CNN, or to check my mails.

That morning hubby called early from work, he was so excited to let me know that they had finally called and gave us the news that we have been waiting for. We could not thank the Lord more especially when such news comes in the holy month of Ramadhan and on a Thursday. Both our minds went shooting like rockets one after the other planning and planning and planning. We were simply overjoyed.

My medic princess called later that morning as she was about to leave for her trip, I can’t help but share with her the happy news, we talked about some more common things, laughing and giggling, while at the same time I was reminding her to do all the necessities before her long trip.

But good news were not meant to last forever, about an hour after our telephone conversation, she did a miss call, when I called her back, my heart was shattered to hear her cry, to hear her so helpless in the rain, to hear her so confused, to hear my baby in distraught. I was dumbfounded. The tears could not come out, I was just calling and calling every few minutes to let her know that she does not have to be afraid, that I am there with her though not physically.

That day I can’t remember how many times, I kneel down to the Lord and offer my thanks for she and her friends were safe. Like being in a phobia, I feel so afraid if I do not hear her voice or get a text message from her, so I could not sleep at all. I was just sitting in the dark and checking my phone every so often.

Again thank you Lord for your blessings, and thank you for protecting my baby and her friends.

Beaten But Not Broken

Is it possible to be so hurt, that nothing else matters? That it makes you go on your daily chores without a thought of contentment anymore that it makes you feel no pain despite all the pain that you know you have.

So what do you do in a situation like this? Do you keep going with the hope that the sun will start shining again, or do you keep wishing that whatever happened was just a bad dream, and that everything will be back to normal once you are awake. May be if the hurting was a one-time experience then it will be easy to try and walk on, however, if the hurting is an ongoing activity, the best thing to do would be to get out of the situation once and for all.

Please believe me when I say that no one can walk on me anymore, no one and that includes you. I may be beaten but don’t forget I will not be broken.

Man With Moustache

Funny conversations between two sisters on a train ride that makes me wonder what an innocent mind could loop into.

Younger sister: you know I will feel so sad if men with moustache were killed

Elder sister: why?

Younger sister: I don’t know but it makes me feel so sad knowing that the man with moustache was killed, and if the man was old I feel sadder

Elder sister: but why?

Younger sister: I don’t know

Elder sister: if the man has beard, how?

Younger sister: with beard, no, I don’t feel sad for man with beard

Elder sister: you are weird

Sometimes, I wish I can go inside her mind and know what exactly makes her come out with such comments.