You Ain't Heavy

Blogging is a healing process for me. There is so much hurting and bashing that I have taken in my life that I wish to be healed off. No matter how I forgive, yet I am still hurting and I don’t seem to forget. When you think you can confine in someone for solace and understanding, you get ditched over and over again.

Often we hear the saying `you ain’t heavy, you’re my brother’ and I am proud of this saying too. My brother, how do I start writing about you? There were too many memories, too short a time and still too much of hurting. You were ` the man’ in my eyes for so long, till you belittled my daughter, who could not defend herself as I was working abroad. You can trash on me, you can do anything you want to me, but when it comes to my kids, I will not tolerate any nonsense, not even from you.

You never invited me for your daughter’s wedding, well it does not really matter, I still got invited by my ex sister-in-law. I was never included in any of the family meetings organized by you, well fine by me. Despite all this, I still respect you, never forgot to kiss your hand each time we bumped into each other. Then I realized that you were not even acknowledging my presence anymore, it is time to draw my line. I reciprocate in the same way, however, the last time we met, which was in February this year, our father had insisted that I kiss your hand again, so I did and you know I did it for you Abah.

You forgot too soon, you judge by being biased, but I really don’t care, I know our paths will always cross, though I hope not. Do you remember when you were at the worst of your career, when you were put to shame, who was there with you, trusting you and supporting you? I put my work on hold so that I can give you the time you need, and I can still remember what you told me: “What you see you forget ok”, and I live to this day abiding to your request, because I was the only one who you trusted with the content of your letter. What I saw will go to the grave with me, because this is what you wanted.

Then, do you recall how you wanted me to take care of one of our sisters because she had undergone an operation and you do not wish anyone to know? Yes, I did as instructed, each morning I will make her breakfast, take the taxi, drop the food and go to work, then in the evening after work, I will go home, cook dinner and deliver same to her. This ritual repeated itself for a week. Did I complain, where was the rest of your sisters then, why didn’t you trust them?

When they took your picture with your girlfriend as a scandal, and you wanted to shoot these people, well brother, you know I was there, but none of your siblings knew about your behavior. Remember when I was still living in Singapore, you use to come and visit, and we will sit at the back of the house, you wanting me to fill you up with the family news, moments like these are surreal to me.

Starting a restaurant has always been something that you wanted to do, and you decided to try with our younger brother, where did you turn to for someone to cook all the food? Me, I hope you remember this brother, I never turned you down. Despite having my own kids to care for, my job and my studies, I did not deny you, diligently I will wake up at 0400hours to do all the cooking, so that everything will be ready for you to come and inspect before it goes for sale.

I don’t really know what happened between you and mom, because I do not want to take sides. Information was fed to me by the ladies of the family, but did I ever ask you brother, did I ever treat you any different? Never! Whenever you come back to our parents’ home, you refuse to enter the house, I will come and serve you food on a try in the verandah, whether you eat or not, that’s beside the point. My job was to serve you.

The first time you ever hurt me was when you tore all my Michael Jackson’s posters that I had put on the wall in my room. I had bought these posters with my own scholarship money, you spared nothing. Till today, I never understood why you did that, what had triggered the anger in you to tear everything will remain within you.

When you were taking your own private flying license, wasn’t it me who you took to accompany you all the time, because you were just comfortable taking me anywhere and everywhere with you. I never complained no matter how tiring it can be, waiting and waiting all the time. It was a happy moment for me to see you enjoying your life.

When mom requested that I took care of your adopted son, I obliged, though my hands were tight. I have 4 kids to care and I was working abroad, but I took your son in with me, because no one else wants to have anything to do with him, including you. However, his behavior was bizarre to just put it politely and I have to send him back after almost a year with me. Everyone gang up against me for returning him. It became my problem; I was treated like someone with a Hansen's disease. I choose not to talk or to discuss this matter with anyone till today, so whatever speculation that you people had put forth, may you all be forgiven.

Now, we are strangers to one another, if this is what you want, so be it. I forgive you brother, as I want you to forgive me too. Life is ever so short; I do not want to regret anything. Just know that you can always count on me.