My Sister Was Here

My sister came to visit, and we all had fun in her company.  Thank you for visiting, please come again.

Dear Angels of Sandy Hook

Dear Angels, 

Every day I keep wondering what could have gone so wrong on the day that your very young life was taken so suddenly. I think of you with so much love, adorable, beautiful and full of strength. 

In your short life you have shown the world that it is more important to understand our own children then just arguing about guns freedom in the world. You have shown the world that again and again those talks were cheap, leaders keep on talking and talking and doing nothing; and innocents like you are paying for their stupidity. 

Dear Angels,

You are the sun in the darkness now. Though your laughter may no longer be heard, your smiles will always be brighter in all of our hearts. 

You are in a better place now, where there will only be peace. I hope you are surrounded by beautiful things, all the toys that you love, all the teddy bears that will keep you warm, all the prayers that will keep you strong and all the love that will never end. 

Dear Angels, 

You will never be forgotten.

There Will Always Be A First Time

There will always be a first time in your life no matter how old or young you are. The experience can only make you a better person. At my age now, living away from home and my kids, there were many first time that come and go for me for almost 6 years here. However, my first time experience on November 27, 2012 will stay with me till the end of my days.

A good friend demised in a land where the religion is not our common religion. I was devastated; I had promised her that I will do everything possible to give her the kind of funeral that she wanted. It was a task that I took pride in and realized that no matter how many times it was written that we will have and be respected with our own religious rights, help was very minimal from either the hospital and authorities itself.

Anyways, what I wanted to put in this entry today is that when I was in my homeland I do take for granted that when you passed there will always be people to take care of your body, therefore, you need not worry or you need not have to learn and pay attention to what should be done when the time actually comes.

Well, this time it was different, a promised has been made, and it should be made good. Though I had just been discharged from the hospital following a major surgery, I tip toed slowly to give a dear friend what she wanted for her last rights. I represent the family to shower and shroud her body. There was no time for a second thought, no time to ponder, I have to do what I am required to do and I could not be more proud of myself.

I never think that I could carry on this duty but here I am.

Winter By The River

It was worth the river walk................... simply amazing

If Only They Have Phones In Heaven

 

 

Do they have phones in heaven or can they have phone in heaven? What would that be like? Are we the living gonna be happier knowing that we can still be in communication with those in heaven, or will it make it more difficult for us, for we still could not see each other physically?

I wish heaven had a phone so that I could hear your voice again, so that I would know exactly what you wanted to tell me when I failed to call you in your last moment. Friends and family told me that I should just let it go, that I should not ponder on that time when I should have called you yet I was putting the call on hold for another day, but that day never came. I am sorry, so sorry.

During the last few months before your demised, we would talked for a long time about a whole many things and a whole lot of nothing too. We would laugh, we would cry, not forgetting the words of encouragement for each other and the routine would repeat itself. The phones were our form of communication, and now that phones do not hold the same function anymore.

If only they have phones in heaven, I would be calling to ask you for the contact number to order the “kicap” that you had ordered for me as my welcome home gift after the operation, and I would have told you that it is alright to go for heaven are waiting for you my dear friend.

Goodbye Sari……………. Till we meet again, if only they have phones in heaven!!!!

I Am Thankful

Today I will dedicate my entry to a dear friend, whom I have never met in person but have always been there in my time of need. This is the type of friend with whom I was not even ashamed to cry my whole heart out to. I have got a lot of thankfulness for this person and I am all about giving thanks to her today.

Today, as I sit typing on my keyboard I am thankful just for my health and my life, my hubby and my kids, my family and my dear friends, especially Dr. H. Along the way Dr. H has been the invincible pillar that I keep leaning on and confident that that pillar is so strong, that it will not allow me the time to bury myself in self-pity or to question the Lord. The pillar that I wish can be just next to me and be reachable at all time.

I know I am privilege to meet her even if it is only online, but all the advises that she had sent my way had made me a better person and a stronger person in facing the challenges that life had thrown at me, especially where health is concerned.

I am thankful.

Updating

Reasons for not updating my entry for so long:

1.   I was in hospital undergoing a major operation

2.   The sudden demised of a good friend as soon as I was released from the hospital, and I was involved with the formalities of the burial

3.   Recuperating and trying to live with the pain from the operation and the pain of losing a friend all of a sudden

4.   Hubby had to leave for deployment

5.   My dear sister whom I have not seen for a couple of years came to visit

6.   Hospital appointment and follow ups

Worry not, I will be back…………………… !!!

The Operation

 

The operation went well on 19/11, Alhamdulillah. I checked into the hospital as instructed on 18/11 at 1400 hours. That day I only had breakfast, planning to have lunch with hubby and my little angel later at one of the restaurant near the hospital. However, once I was in the ward, I was instructed to change and that there will be no food from that moment. For reals?

This will not go well with my stomach, but no amount of reasoning with the staff got me my way, so I was without food from Sunday afternoon till the afternoon of Tuesday (20/11). Of course, I will do anything for this operation to go smooth sailing.

On Monday, very early in the morning I was given Pentaloc for my stomach and another pill to keep me calm en-route the OR. That medicine worked on me almost immediately and I don’t even remember when I was rolled in, I think the last word I remembered uttering was “where’s my husband?”.

I woke up hours later to the happy faces of hubby and my little angel and to see three pots in a row on my right arm, not mentioning the pain that was slowly inching into the body system and my brain.

Yea……………………… I’m alive, Alhamdulillah.

Thank You Strangers

These are some strangers that I met more than a month ago. However, these very strangers had graciously invited me to a “doa selamat and yassin”. Prayers and supplication were being said for me, and it was a moment to inhale.

Thank you strangers or should I call you friends now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beautiful host in red and the head of the group in blue

I Had Learned How To Confront My Stressful Moment

In the midst of doctor’s appointments and my third hospitalizations here I tried to stay focus by being very positive with a lot of things in my life as well as around me. Putting all my priorities organize is very important to me.

It is difficult when I have no support group like close friends and families around, and since I am not sure just yet how long my stay in the hospital will be, I am doing all the necessary not to take the comfort of home away from my little angel and hubby.

Surprisingly after the good cry that I had with my doctor on last Monday, my days are now filled with more happiness, and the thought of the sickness as well as the operation was not bothering my mind so much anymore. What will make me feel better and really happy right now will be knowing that my little angel and hubby will not be disoriented by my short absent from home. I am very confident that they will cope well, InsyaAllah.

I also realized that I have very little worry to handle at the moment, even the high medical cost seem to hide themselves from me, everything is cool, I am more relax as the days to the operation gets closer, Alahmdulillah.

Changing my diet, doing the ¾ day daily fasting, challenging my brain with all the computer games that I have, releases a lot of stress from me. This is not forgetting all the kind words and prayers that I got from close friends, it make me realized that there are still a lot of people out there who cares to keep me in their daily thought and prayers. It helps and thank you so so much dear friends.

The days of crying alone while no one is watching me has long gone now, as weird as it may sound I am a lot more happier. My stressful situations are over and I hope they will not come knocking into this sensitive brain of mine again. I am looking forward to get better at the soonest possible.

I had learned how to confront my stressful moment and learn to cope with it very well.

I Do Hope That We Have Caught The Alien In Time

Last Monday I went to the doctor who was first to notice something was not quite right in me. Even with appointment, I have to wait for more than an hour as her clinic was always full. The waiting does not bother me at all as I was engrossed in reading a book. However, each time a patient was called the butterflies will flutter their wings in my stomach. It was kind of annoying.

Finally my turn came, she greeted me with a strong hand shake and we got into the discussion of my situation straight away. I am not sure what trigger the tears to run down and before long I realized that I was sobbing and could not control myself. She was so supportive, leaving me to cry the tears so at least part of me that have been keeping the tears welled up will be able to let go.

Yes, I do realized that since the news I have no time to be sad, shock and denial was still a major part of me. The only time that I cried was when I had to let my parents know of the news. I was feeling sadder for them than me.

As expected from the results of the biopsy and the pictures that was sent to her, she advised me to go ahead with the operation, she took the extra time to explain to me what will be done during the operation, and to be positive at all time. She hoped as much as I do that we had caught the alien in time.

Her assurance was much needed.

My Life Was Interrupted

Today as I sit alone in my room, my mind is playing the wondering game again. I like to think that I eventually would have found my way to a settled living with the love of my life, planning to travel all over Europe in our old days and when the children are able to take care of themselves. We want to watch the moon together, and laugh at all the obnoxious fat people, and be free.

But that is not the case now, before I was able to keep the manifestation of my dreams alive, the cancer coming knocking at my door. First I thought it was just a nasty joke, the registered letter, the urgent meeting with the doctors, the very words that was spoken to me, yeah…….. it was all a bad bad joke. I would like to go on and be in denial, but that was not the case here, my life was interrupted.

I wish someone would have come out with a manual to a quick fix for my disease. I cannot imagine going through the torturous exercise of chemotherapy and radiation, and changing all my life habits. I am gearing and preparing myself to be really prepared to face all these exercises without being a burden to hubby and my children. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone period.

There are 12 more days to the operation; I am already changing my diet so that my body will be ready for the treatment.

Cottage Pie

It was cottage pie for dinner last Sunday, and this type of food will take a bow from my kitchen soon, as I need a change of diet to prepare myself for my coming treatment.

The filling: minced meat, olive oil, onion, garlic, pepper, salt, thyme, oregano, bay leaf, tomato puree, beef stock, carrots and mushroom.  Cook till thicken and let it cool for at least 30 minutes.  

 Mashed potatoes: potatoes, milk, butter, egg yolk, salt and pepper 

 Use a piping bag, pipe out the mashed potatoes on top of the filling

Once done, sprinkle with Emmentaler and Parmesan cheese and bake in the oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes

His Will Supersede That

For the first time the word “cancer” sounded so strange to me, like could it be true that this word was being spoken to me. The numbness that I felt was as though I was watching a movie in front of my eyes about someone else that was not me.

It took me a long time to digest that word those very words that have been spoken a million time before. It was amazing how I could remain so calm in the doctor’s room; I wonder what did my doctor saw through those staring eyes of mine. Was it fear, was it shocked, was it not believing, what was it exactly?

There is no positive connection to having cancer. It can ruin a lot of my dreams. I would never have chosen to go down this path. Will cancer changed me? I think I know the answer to that question already, but I am not looking forward to go through all the operations and treatment, that are waiting for me in my time forward. Life is unpredictable, and I do realized that we don’t always get to choose our paths.

Cancer robs me of my moment in life, it rudely rooted me from my “gangnam style” of living, and it obfuscates it. Cancer ripped away many expectations of my life. Yet, as weird as it may sound I was not bitter at all neither was I feeling miserable. I accepted that news, accepted that this is my destiny, accepted that the Almighty have more plans for me ahead, and as much as I am planning, His will supersede that.

That's My Girl

 

Prior to the date that I was told of my situation, my little angel had made plan for a sleep over and to go for trick or treating, and hubby was to attend his darts do. Everything was planned, and I will spend the night watching anything that I want on TV.

As soon as she heard of the news, my little angel’s reaction was to cancel her plan and spend the night with me, she was adamant about that. She started to become more clingy, making sure that she’s by my side all the time. This is not how I want the news to go down on her, not at all and life does not stop with me.

I gave her the assurance that I will be alright, and it would make me very happy if she will go with her plan. I was glad that the pep talk worked on her and she went for her trick or treating. I was very happy too to learn later that she had such a fun time with her friends and got loads of sweets.

That’s my girl.

This Is My Destiny Now.

The weather was so gloomy this morning, I have not been sleeping the whole night, and as I got dressing I could not ignore the millions of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Odd, I thought, really odd.

The clock said it was already passed 0815 hours and I have scheduled myself to leave the house by that time so that I can make it in time for the 0900 hours appointment. My little angel insisted on coming with me, so that holds me back a little as like a real diva, she took hours in front of the mirror. Girls after all.

The waiting at the hospital does not take long, actually for the first time I was not worried that if it will take the whole day to call my name. However, that was not the case this morning; my turn came rather too quickly.

In the doctors’ room I noticed the familiar faces of the team that was with me during my first appointment before the biopsy. It’s my doctor, his assistant, the medical secretary and another clerical assistant. I shook my doctor’s hand and calmly took the seat next to him. There were no smile on any of their faces; they were not even making eye contact with me except for my doctor.

“I have bad news for you”, he said and looked me deep in my eyes. I felt the rushed of blood to my face and my head, I managed the “selawat” quickly and he continued “you have carcinoma.” I played dumbed and asked him, what was that? Slowly he looked at me again and said “that mean you have cancer”. I don’t know if I am hearing the right words, but not a single sound came out from me, all the information that I have gathered during my time as a voluntary at the cancer association went away just like that. I sat there and keep looking at my doctor’s face as he went on with his explanation.

Next I know everyone was suddenly very busy, the medical secretary was typing away, the clerical assistant was making calls and organizing my papers. The doctor’s assistant was giving some instruction in German except for me and my doctor. We had a further discussion and next I know I have been scheduled for another operation on November 19, 2012. From this operation, they will decide the treatment to be followed. It could be chemo and radiation or it could be just radiation, all depending on the outcome of the operation.

This is my destiny now.

That Registered Letter

The registered letter notice was in the letter box on Monday (29/10/2012), but I was too lazy to go out as it was snowing and there were too much wind.

On Tuesday (30/10/2012) I took the short walk to the post office; there I discovered that I do not have my ID with me, as it was with the office for visa renewal. Rummaging through my handbag I found my access card and with that I was given the registered letter which was from the hospital.

Immediately I tore open the envelope thinking that it was my medical results, but in the envelope was just one piece of letter, informing me to go to the hospital as soon as possible. At that point butterflies start forming in my stomach and my heart was missing a lot of beats as well.

However, I had already promised my little angel that I will be taking her out to get her her belated birthday present, with that I decided to postpone going to the hospital for another day. The whole night I could not sleep, partly because I was anticipating what could it be, and partly trying to accept all possibilities that might be thrown at me. It was a very long night for me; I could not wait for the sun to show its light of day.

A sleepless night indeed…………..

Roast Chicken Pieces

 

 Before roasting

An hour after roasting

On a lazy snowy evening, I decided to make dinner as simple as possible. This is because I cannot open the windows in the kitchen for proper ventilation.

Anyways, it was roast chicken pieces with mix vegetables for us. This is a very simple dish to prepare and to cook. It took less than 20 minutes to prepare everything and an hour to cook in the oven. If you are interested to try this recipe, here’s how it was done:

Ingredients: 

1 chicken cut into 4 pieces
Some potatoes, carrots and zucchini cut into wedges
Olive oil, salt and pepper to taste

Method:

Prepare your oven to set at 200 degrees. In a heavy bottom pot sprinkle 2 tablespoon of olive oil. Arrange all the chopped vegetables; put the chicken pieces on top of the vegetable. Sprinkle the chicken and the vegetables with salt and pepper, then pour about 3 tablespoon of olive oil on the chicken pieces as well as the vegetables.

Put the pot in the over for an hour, served hot with bread or parboiled rice.