The Operation

 

The operation went well on 19/11, Alhamdulillah. I checked into the hospital as instructed on 18/11 at 1400 hours. That day I only had breakfast, planning to have lunch with hubby and my little angel later at one of the restaurant near the hospital. However, once I was in the ward, I was instructed to change and that there will be no food from that moment. For reals?

This will not go well with my stomach, but no amount of reasoning with the staff got me my way, so I was without food from Sunday afternoon till the afternoon of Tuesday (20/11). Of course, I will do anything for this operation to go smooth sailing.

On Monday, very early in the morning I was given Pentaloc for my stomach and another pill to keep me calm en-route the OR. That medicine worked on me almost immediately and I don’t even remember when I was rolled in, I think the last word I remembered uttering was “where’s my husband?”.

I woke up hours later to the happy faces of hubby and my little angel and to see three pots in a row on my right arm, not mentioning the pain that was slowly inching into the body system and my brain.

Yea……………………… I’m alive, Alhamdulillah.

Thank You Strangers

These are some strangers that I met more than a month ago. However, these very strangers had graciously invited me to a “doa selamat and yassin”. Prayers and supplication were being said for me, and it was a moment to inhale.

Thank you strangers or should I call you friends now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beautiful host in red and the head of the group in blue

I Had Learned How To Confront My Stressful Moment

In the midst of doctor’s appointments and my third hospitalizations here I tried to stay focus by being very positive with a lot of things in my life as well as around me. Putting all my priorities organize is very important to me.

It is difficult when I have no support group like close friends and families around, and since I am not sure just yet how long my stay in the hospital will be, I am doing all the necessary not to take the comfort of home away from my little angel and hubby.

Surprisingly after the good cry that I had with my doctor on last Monday, my days are now filled with more happiness, and the thought of the sickness as well as the operation was not bothering my mind so much anymore. What will make me feel better and really happy right now will be knowing that my little angel and hubby will not be disoriented by my short absent from home. I am very confident that they will cope well, InsyaAllah.

I also realized that I have very little worry to handle at the moment, even the high medical cost seem to hide themselves from me, everything is cool, I am more relax as the days to the operation gets closer, Alahmdulillah.

Changing my diet, doing the ¾ day daily fasting, challenging my brain with all the computer games that I have, releases a lot of stress from me. This is not forgetting all the kind words and prayers that I got from close friends, it make me realized that there are still a lot of people out there who cares to keep me in their daily thought and prayers. It helps and thank you so so much dear friends.

The days of crying alone while no one is watching me has long gone now, as weird as it may sound I am a lot more happier. My stressful situations are over and I hope they will not come knocking into this sensitive brain of mine again. I am looking forward to get better at the soonest possible.

I had learned how to confront my stressful moment and learn to cope with it very well.

I Do Hope That We Have Caught The Alien In Time

Last Monday I went to the doctor who was first to notice something was not quite right in me. Even with appointment, I have to wait for more than an hour as her clinic was always full. The waiting does not bother me at all as I was engrossed in reading a book. However, each time a patient was called the butterflies will flutter their wings in my stomach. It was kind of annoying.

Finally my turn came, she greeted me with a strong hand shake and we got into the discussion of my situation straight away. I am not sure what trigger the tears to run down and before long I realized that I was sobbing and could not control myself. She was so supportive, leaving me to cry the tears so at least part of me that have been keeping the tears welled up will be able to let go.

Yes, I do realized that since the news I have no time to be sad, shock and denial was still a major part of me. The only time that I cried was when I had to let my parents know of the news. I was feeling sadder for them than me.

As expected from the results of the biopsy and the pictures that was sent to her, she advised me to go ahead with the operation, she took the extra time to explain to me what will be done during the operation, and to be positive at all time. She hoped as much as I do that we had caught the alien in time.

Her assurance was much needed.

My Life Was Interrupted

Today as I sit alone in my room, my mind is playing the wondering game again. I like to think that I eventually would have found my way to a settled living with the love of my life, planning to travel all over Europe in our old days and when the children are able to take care of themselves. We want to watch the moon together, and laugh at all the obnoxious fat people, and be free.

But that is not the case now, before I was able to keep the manifestation of my dreams alive, the cancer coming knocking at my door. First I thought it was just a nasty joke, the registered letter, the urgent meeting with the doctors, the very words that was spoken to me, yeah…….. it was all a bad bad joke. I would like to go on and be in denial, but that was not the case here, my life was interrupted.

I wish someone would have come out with a manual to a quick fix for my disease. I cannot imagine going through the torturous exercise of chemotherapy and radiation, and changing all my life habits. I am gearing and preparing myself to be really prepared to face all these exercises without being a burden to hubby and my children. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone period.

There are 12 more days to the operation; I am already changing my diet so that my body will be ready for the treatment.

Cottage Pie

It was cottage pie for dinner last Sunday, and this type of food will take a bow from my kitchen soon, as I need a change of diet to prepare myself for my coming treatment.

The filling: minced meat, olive oil, onion, garlic, pepper, salt, thyme, oregano, bay leaf, tomato puree, beef stock, carrots and mushroom.  Cook till thicken and let it cool for at least 30 minutes.  

 Mashed potatoes: potatoes, milk, butter, egg yolk, salt and pepper 

 Use a piping bag, pipe out the mashed potatoes on top of the filling

Once done, sprinkle with Emmentaler and Parmesan cheese and bake in the oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes

His Will Supersede That

For the first time the word “cancer” sounded so strange to me, like could it be true that this word was being spoken to me. The numbness that I felt was as though I was watching a movie in front of my eyes about someone else that was not me.

It took me a long time to digest that word those very words that have been spoken a million time before. It was amazing how I could remain so calm in the doctor’s room; I wonder what did my doctor saw through those staring eyes of mine. Was it fear, was it shocked, was it not believing, what was it exactly?

There is no positive connection to having cancer. It can ruin a lot of my dreams. I would never have chosen to go down this path. Will cancer changed me? I think I know the answer to that question already, but I am not looking forward to go through all the operations and treatment, that are waiting for me in my time forward. Life is unpredictable, and I do realized that we don’t always get to choose our paths.

Cancer robs me of my moment in life, it rudely rooted me from my “gangnam style” of living, and it obfuscates it. Cancer ripped away many expectations of my life. Yet, as weird as it may sound I was not bitter at all neither was I feeling miserable. I accepted that news, accepted that this is my destiny, accepted that the Almighty have more plans for me ahead, and as much as I am planning, His will supersede that.

That's My Girl

 

Prior to the date that I was told of my situation, my little angel had made plan for a sleep over and to go for trick or treating, and hubby was to attend his darts do. Everything was planned, and I will spend the night watching anything that I want on TV.

As soon as she heard of the news, my little angel’s reaction was to cancel her plan and spend the night with me, she was adamant about that. She started to become more clingy, making sure that she’s by my side all the time. This is not how I want the news to go down on her, not at all and life does not stop with me.

I gave her the assurance that I will be alright, and it would make me very happy if she will go with her plan. I was glad that the pep talk worked on her and she went for her trick or treating. I was very happy too to learn later that she had such a fun time with her friends and got loads of sweets.

That’s my girl.

This Is My Destiny Now.

The weather was so gloomy this morning, I have not been sleeping the whole night, and as I got dressing I could not ignore the millions of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Odd, I thought, really odd.

The clock said it was already passed 0815 hours and I have scheduled myself to leave the house by that time so that I can make it in time for the 0900 hours appointment. My little angel insisted on coming with me, so that holds me back a little as like a real diva, she took hours in front of the mirror. Girls after all.

The waiting at the hospital does not take long, actually for the first time I was not worried that if it will take the whole day to call my name. However, that was not the case this morning; my turn came rather too quickly.

In the doctors’ room I noticed the familiar faces of the team that was with me during my first appointment before the biopsy. It’s my doctor, his assistant, the medical secretary and another clerical assistant. I shook my doctor’s hand and calmly took the seat next to him. There were no smile on any of their faces; they were not even making eye contact with me except for my doctor.

“I have bad news for you”, he said and looked me deep in my eyes. I felt the rushed of blood to my face and my head, I managed the “selawat” quickly and he continued “you have carcinoma.” I played dumbed and asked him, what was that? Slowly he looked at me again and said “that mean you have cancer”. I don’t know if I am hearing the right words, but not a single sound came out from me, all the information that I have gathered during my time as a voluntary at the cancer association went away just like that. I sat there and keep looking at my doctor’s face as he went on with his explanation.

Next I know everyone was suddenly very busy, the medical secretary was typing away, the clerical assistant was making calls and organizing my papers. The doctor’s assistant was giving some instruction in German except for me and my doctor. We had a further discussion and next I know I have been scheduled for another operation on November 19, 2012. From this operation, they will decide the treatment to be followed. It could be chemo and radiation or it could be just radiation, all depending on the outcome of the operation.

This is my destiny now.