I Love You SO sO sooo MUCH

My promise to you my children, as long as I live, I am your PARENT first and your FRIEND second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed. This is all because I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

When you understand that, I will know that you are already a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I DO!

If you don’t hate me ONCE in your life than I guess I am not doing my job properly.

Here’s wishing each and every one of you a more meaningful, fruitful, wonderful and a year full of unconditional love from your one and only – mama

Playful Kitty

One of my favorite capture, wish I have a better camera, but what matter really is that I have fun waiting patiently for the playful kitty to take position.

 

 

 

 

*Yawn*

So you think you have got the greatest job around.  Pause and ponder at those whose jobs are just plain boring, and yet there is no way for them to get out of that rat hole.

*Yawn*

 

 

 

Only A Spectator

Took them out bowling, I am only a spectator now to a game that I used to be one of the best among them.  It saddens me for a while, but then I remember that the Lord will not put all the pain upon me, if He knows I could not take it.

 

 

 

 

Look What Happens

Long Good Sleep

Woke up at 0500 hours, and had this strong sensation of wanting to puke. Steadied myself before getting up to go to the WC, by this time I could feel thick saliva forming in my mouth. Once in the WC I only managed some salty saliva before I felt like I am going to faint or I am blacking out. Immediately I sat on the toilet bowl, my head was spinning, and then I don’t remember anything anymore.

When I regain my consciousness, I went to wash my mouth, and walked back to bed. Snuggling up to my hubby, I told him to hug me as I was feeling very cold. Extending his left hand and feeling how cold my body was, he asked me where I have been. I don’t remember what I told him, but before long I was asleep again.

It was a long good sleep.

Therapy For Me

Life is a bliss for some, and I am happy to catch that on camera, while photography becomes a form of therapy for me

 

 

 

Boxing Day Boredom

What people do on Boxing Day here is to drown themselves in boredom of technology.

 

  

 

Knocked Down

Lately my life has been full of difficulties, I don’t know why I am labeling it as difficult, but it seems that way to me. I hate dwelling on them, but what else can I do when everything is not right. I am, in another word losing focus.

I was overcome with so much of denial, the feeling of sadness, angry and let down was too overwhelming. I felt disgusted with my own thoughts, where am I heading to, and who can I blame these lousy feelings on but me. I cannot allow myself to reach the lowest point of frustration, I don’t want to. However, being wrapped in pain all day long isn’t helping me at all. I am mad at me, no explanations there, just mad at me.

I have become so self-absorbed, trying to justify all my frustrations and yet sounded so wrong. What am I thinking of? I felt disgusted towards some people, every little things that they do come tracking down memory lane. I named them hypocrites, and I curse karma for missing their doors, and it ascertains my belief that karma is a super bitch.

People don’t understand why I isolate myself, they have been speculating, they have been rumor mongering, they talked as though they know me better than me. Funny………. Ha ha ha. Tragedies and difficulties at times naturally alienate you from the fake world. I have been knocked down for too many times and far too long.

Therefore, I have the right to feel disgusted with you and you and you.

Dried Noodle Soup

 

This is one of my favorite dishes when everything else does not work with my appetite. It is dried noodle soup and here’s how it is cook.

Ingredients:

Two square pieces of yellow dried noodle, half an onion (chopped), 3 cloves of garlic (chopped), 2 pieces of small chili (chopped), some tofu, some pak choi, 2 pieces of crab stick (cut into small pieces), some spring onion, 1 tomato (diced), 1 egg, 1 cup water, 1 tablespoon of oil and salt to taste.

Method:

Heat oil in a pan, add the chopped onion, garlic and chili for 3 minutes, add the tofu and crab stick, and fry for a further 5 minutes, add the water. Once the water starts to boil add the dried noodle, and once the noodle is soft, add the pak choi, tomato, spring onion and salt. Finally, add the egg and let it simmer for 5 minutes, and remove from the fire. Please make sure that you do not over boil the noodle and the egg.

The dried noodle soup should be eaten hot.

Well, They Can Go Kiss My Ass

I have moved from Ibuprofen to Codeine to Nitro-Dur to Cortisone to Deflamat to Seractil and to many more painkillers. Amazing how I was so trusting in everything that the doctor or doctors would diagnose me with. I was such an obedient pain stricken individual, until I realized that nothing actually worked, and I was getting worse.

Painkillers that were prescribed for me had in my opinion become ridiculous. There were moment I thought that the doctors must have looked up what’s the next best painkiller to prescribed to me, instead of knowing what exactly should be beneficial for me. I realized that the painkiller was just temporary satisfaction or may be not at all to address my problems, but I am very very sure that instead of fixing me, the painkillers were the worst kind of therapy for me. The painkillers were just an illusion of diminishing my awareness of the pain that I am suffering from.

Then there was the stretching therapy, it was so bloody painful but I tolerated that, remember I was a very obedient patient to my doctors, I thought I was taking the stretching therapy extremely well. Unfortunately, what I don’t know was that stretching could damage my problems further, and when I could not take that anymore and just ditched the therapy half way, I was write off as a non-compliance patient.

Ahhh………………………. Well, they can go kiss my ass!

Cat Therapy

I hope he is sharing his positive vibes with me as much as I am enjoying him 

 

 

 

 

 

New OKU, That's Me

Sitting in the room together, I told Chef Diva that I wanted to go out for a walk. She was not too keen as she was glued on some TV program, so I told her, “ok then I will just go on my own”. To my amazement and with a straight face she looked at me and told me, “Oh you better not, you have to understand that you are now OKU”.

“OKU? What’s that?” I asked her.

Laughing she asked me “you don’t know what is OKU?”

Me: No

CD: mama OKU is Orang Kurang Upaya (Handicapped people)

Me: Oh, ok, I accept that, so are you coming with me or not.

Of course she came with me, I know how much she loves me, though she is always poking fun and making joke of my OKU status now.

Anything for a good laugh, I need all that happiness.

Go Judge Me

They said that whatever you do in life, do everything without regrets. I do believe in that, for regrets do not normally make you a happy person or a better person, they rather make you look back and be bitter.

Today I decided that I will do the following with an open mind and an open heart, and I told myself that I will not allow my mind to pause and wonder with what I want to do, for I only want to be happy in the midst of being engulfed in this darkness of pain.

Eat: Since the invention of Bio and Organic and whatever healthy living journal psycho us to believe, I have been one of those believers, hence I spent more money buying the “so called quality food”. No oil they said, no sugar they preach, no salt they scream, no red meat they said, don’t be a murderer, no that no this, and suddenly I find that my body is more battered; I am weaker than I was before and my health is at the worse that I could ever remember.

Now, I decided that I am going to eat anything and everything that they claimed were bad for the body, that they claimed caused every mystery of a disease in our body. I want to eat and eat, and not give a damn any more. Scientists, doctors and dieticians are human after all, who are out to make quick money from the easy believers like me. So, I am going to tell them fuck it, I am done believing. I will eat, yahaha *evil* that is the new me. I will eat and guess what I am starting today.

Ermmmmmm………… wait a minute, I also remember once my Pathologist told me that I should start drinking a glass of red wine daily and to take half an aspirin too. He he he red wine sounds tempting, aspirin I am already doing.

Pray: Why do we pray? There were moments I look at all the people who pray and pray, and shrouded yet they are the most evil people. I bet these people were born to pray, but to believe in praying is another thing. I don’t know why people pray, but I know why I pray.

Among so many reasons I pray because it is my faith to pray 5 times in a day, but I do not just pray, I make sure that I am totally clean body and mind before I surrender for my prayers. I used to pray and begging the Lord to change some of the road map of my life, I used to pray and beg Him to make me a better person; I used to pray and seek His message to make me understand why my mom despises me so much.

But now, I have decided that my prayer will be to obey Him and all I ask of Him is “Dear Lord, whatever you have in store for me, I will accept it, Dear Lord, I have my trust in you and I believe that you are the Almighty one”. Done, hence I will not be bowing for a longer time in my last kneeling of prayer.

Love: Is there one true definition of the word love? Nah…………. What has been said about love is too cliché, and so moronic and so eweeeee over exaggerated. Have I been in love, yes of course many times, but like many others I confused myself for thinking that I know the meaning of love, when in reality I was just needing someone to be by my side, and in the end I closed my doors shut against each and every one of the so called MEN in my life.

However, more than eight years ago I was destined to meet that special someone. He does not sweep me off my feet but he gave to me a new meaning of partnership, of understanding, of not wanting to be with anyone else but him, he taught me the real meaning of tolerance and honesty, and thus I conclude now that I have found love, and I am in love for the very first time, since he walked into my life.

We may not have much but we have warmth in each other’s heart all the time, his face will just light up even when he saw my shadow, he gives me all that I wanted even if he has nothing for himself, he waits on me, he cleaned my puke, he cradled me close when I am lost, he does everything for me from the depth of his heart. Hence this is love to me, and I am so happy to tell the world that all of you can kick my ass, for I am not alone as I have my love watching my back always (hubby what more can I say of you?).

My three steps in life now, eat (doing a lot of that), pray (still lacking at times, it’s my bad), and in love and loving it.

Go judge me, I will show you my middle finger, because honest to the Lord I don’t fucking give a damn anymore.

How Can I Find A Way To Fly Out Of My Body?

Since my last entry, I have been struggling with my unpredictable emotions. I feel that I am hopeless; I suck at even the easiest chore in my daily routine. My pride by far still does not allow me to show my tears to anyone but me, yeah, every couple of days I will take time to cry alone in the shower. What has become of me?

Almost every day my mind is overcome with grumpy irritation, uncalled for stress, silent sadness, and overwhelming sense of anger. It is not easy to live this way because whatever is on my mind can only be on my mind. Hence, I have to laugh and smile even when deep inside I am someone else.

These things on my mind are suffocating me, and the lack of sleep is killing me. I am not a moody person, I like to laugh a lot, I like making stupid jokes, but now I am almost so stressed, just thinking of ways to overcome the horrible pain.

Last Friday, in the heavy rain, I forced myself to walk to the doctor’s office again. It is not a trip that I enjoyed doing, his clinic was full. In my wet jacket I took a place in the queue and I so hate doing this. It is because I cannot stand the smell of people, the scent of their BO is just impossible to bear, especially when I have this nausea feeling almost all the time.

For some reasons my doctor was too busy and I was assigned to his wife, this is the first time ever that I have been sent to her. The moment she greeted me at her office, I wanted to immediately throw up. Her BO, oh my God, I could not take it, I was trying hard to control myself, saliva started to form in my mouth, I wish I could just be honest and let her know that she is making me feel more sick than I already am.

I answered a couple of questions quickly, I am not sure though if my answers were right to her questions. I want to run; I don’t want to embarrass her. I swear to God should she had kept me a moment longer, I might just faint from trying to control my breath and holding my puke.

Anyways, I surrendered myself to yet another injection, which does not, has any effect on me anymore. I was prescribed a stronger painkiller; and since I have taken too many medications, nothing works anymore. I feel horrible having to be dependent on this concoction of the giant medical industries.

I feel that every steps that I am taking now to overcome my problem is leading me to nowhere, in fact I am feeling more lost and with no definite direction, I would be lying if I don’t feel that somehow my faith is shaken.

How can I find a way to fly out of my body?

Rendang Tak Berbuah

Brussels Sprouts

It was Brussels sprout, prawn crackers and tzatziki for dinner.

Ingredients: Brussels sprouts, crushed garlic, 2 tablespoon of olive oil, ground black pepper, salt to taste and parmesan cheese.

Method: In a pan heat up the olive oil, add the Brussels sprouts until slightly brown, add the chopped garlic, pepper and salt. Let fry for a couple of minutes and remove from the stove. Sprinkle the parmesan cheese during serving.

Orthopedic Bed/Mattress

My only relief is to sleep; this is the only way that I could not feel the pain that is consuming me. However, I can’t even remember when I last had a non-disturb sleep. Every advice that was given to me had been adhered to, yet the pain is not getting any lesser.

From sleeping on the bed, I am now sleeping on a thin mattress on the floor, to allow sleeping on flat surface. I was told that this will be a good way to support the joints, my back and my overall body. It was very comfortable at first but now the flat surface is not giving me any more comfortable sleep. I started to pile up pillows on my mattress again, as I need support to get up or to sit up, but with the excruciating pain this is also not helping now. More than not I will need someone to help me to get up or to sit up.

My doctor suggested that that at this stage I should get one of the orthopedic bed/mattress. The orthopedic bed/mattress is essential for sufferers like me; it is supposed to offer a massive improvement in my sleeping quality and mobility while on the bed. The mattress will appropriately support, and reduce pressure point pain while giving me a good night sleep.

The only problem is that this orthopedic bed/mattress is super costly, and the cheapest that I have come across was the one in IKEA, and ……………………. Yeah, it is not much of an orthopedic bed/mattress but it has got all the characteristic, yet I still could not afford it.

Anything But Happy

Cheap Santa

 

 

 

It is December already, please go and come back with a more interesting way of begging. This is getting sooooooooooooo boring, and to think that you shamelessly asked the audience for money. Get a job, or get a better idea. You make the cheap Santa look cheaper.

Lucrative Cartel Business

To date, I have been billed:

Euros 7,000 for the treatment on my facial bone and jaws

Euros 180 for the medical insole of my shoes as my right metatarsals is kaput (or whatever, I don’t even know anymore)

Euros 300 for an hour consultation at a private hospital

Euros 150 for each cortisone injection

Euros 800 for the brain MRI

Euros 400 for spinal MRI

And to think that we are also paying Euros 380 per month for the family insurance. It is not making things easy for us; my medical situation is leaving a big big hole in my hubby’s pocket.

Like I mentioned in my blog earlier, this is one hell of a lucrative cartel business.

Big Cartel Of Blood Sucking Business

The medical system here is kind of absurd. You do not go to the hospital unless you are being referred to or if you desperately need to go to one, call for the ambulance to fetch you there. When you call for the ambulance, the center will decide which hospital will accept what type of sickness for the day. Therefore, it does not matter how far the hospital will be from your place of residence, you will be delivered there by the ambulance. If you walked into a hospital without being driven by the paramedics in an ambulance, be ready to be on the longest waiting list ever at any one ER.

So, if you feel sick or you feel that you are in need of some kind of medical advice, you go to your general doctor first, and from there you will be referred to go to other appropriate practitioners. Then with the report from there you go back to your general doctor, he will then prescribe your medication or further refer you to other specialists. The same chain of movement will follow.

You don’t get any medication from the hospital or the general doctors. You take the prescription and go look for the nearest pharmacy, or if you finished with the doctors after office hours, they will then provide you with the list of a 24 hour pharmacy. You will have to go to that pharmacy, ring on the bell, someone will answer the intercom, and then you put your prescription in a small hole where the bell is located. Then you wait, and after like 5 to 8 minutes, some will come to the small hole, give you the medication and tell you how to take them.

Don’t be surprised if you come across all sorts of general doctors here, it is like trial and error. Sometimes you get lucky and find a good general doctor from the first visit, but more than often you will have to be ringing on many general doctors’ doors before you find someone that you ‘think’ you can trust.

Hell, medical is such a big cartel of blood sucking business people here.

Charity Do For The UN Women's Guild

 Wonderful Indonesia - the stall was crowded and the food was worth the buy

 American chocolate chips by Chef Diva, our contribution to the charity do

 They only need one very alert grandma to run the business

 Interesting pumpkin rice

 Colorful Philippines

 Spicy India

 Sweet Lebanon

Nasi lemak and mee hoon stall, it needed a whole village of people to run the business.