This Is The Reality

My little angel climbed into my bed, and lay besides me. Then she starched out one of her hands and hugged me. After a while, she said “mama, why are you all bones now?” I acted surprised and asked her back, “really?” 

This is the reality of my life now.

I'm Here For A Purpose

Whenever I'm feeling so demotivated, I'll just look out of the window at that lonely black bird looking for food or a partner in this cold winter weather. Everyone has their own struggles. I'm struggling now and will continue this struggle with the hope of never ever to feel like giving up hope. This is just another chapter of my life and I'm here for a purpose.

Never Give Up

No matter what, never give up.  Even if every chapter of your life has already been written and delivered, there's always hope.  Almighty Lord is always there closer than you can imagine.  Submit, supplicate, pray and keep Him close to your heart and experience the miracle of change.

Note for self.

"Western People's Disease"

Do you know that in Chinese culture, cancer is often referred to as "Western people's disease"?  Are you aware that the incidence of cancer in China, Japan, and even in India is far lower than in Western countries?

Some people think it's because of diet, but I feel that's only part of it.  Another, possibly even larger factor may be mind-set -- the Western belief in cancer, the fear of it, and the constant "awareness" campaigns! Conventional western medicine focuses on detecting cancer, and most of their technology is diagnostic rather than promoting overall physical well-being and balance.

- Anita Moorjani -

It Will Grow Back

Just arrived home after hubby took me out for an evening walk, some coffee time, some quality time, some loving time :P, and some "membebel" time.  Everyday I thank Almighty Allah for this man in my life.

Of course the double espresso was mine....................... I need to keep myself awake!!!!!!

Morphine Next Please

I have gone from steroid injections to taking all these pain killers as prescribed by the doctors.  Nothing seems to work, well, not really what most of the medicine will do to me is just put me to sleep, before the pain persisted again.  The recommended operation will cost me 8000 euros.  Therefore, I will just continue with the current treatment or may be just bear with the pain.  However, if at any point of time the pain were to consume my everyday life, I will have to be warded for morphine treatment........ Life goes on and guess what I'm still me and smiling.  Please continue your praying for me ok.

 The recommended dosage two tablets when experiencing pain at the highest.  I ended with severe gastric pain instead.

 Also to take two tablets but it only put me to sleep two days in a row.

 Currently relying on this medication a lot, seems to relieve me of the pain for at least a couple of hours, Alhamdulillah.

Recommended dosage 2 tablets, these does not help me at all anymore (but it is still in my medicine box in case of emergency, by this meaning I do run out of medication a couple of times),

Friday Lunch And Yasin

The lunch and yasin was impromptu but it was worth the effort and the time, Alhamdulillah

 Broccoli cream soup

 Table setting

 Some fresh fruits, jelly and sweets to start with

 The surprise birthday cake

 Crispy fried chicken and mixed vegetables, not in the picture but was also served was salmon kapitan curry, shrimp in chili sauce and chicken in soya sauce

 'Badak berendam' brought by one of the guest. It was just delicious

My cup of tea :)

MRI again

 Filling up the necessary information at the lobby of the MRI unit on a quite Sunday afternoon

 Waving to my little angel (who accompanied me) before entering the tunnel (he he he)

The best of headphone does not help to block out the loud noise of the machine.  At this moment my eyes were closed shut.  I have phobia of such places. 

What I Wish I'm Doing

What I wish I'm doing right now, in truth I will be getting ready in an hour or so to go for my MRI.  

Life.......

 Having a nice foot massage

 Trying to understand her English with my eyes half closed

She tempting me with more hours of foot massage

I Cried

Following the cancellation of all my appointment.

I cried like I have never cried before.  I feel betrayed, I feel so let down and I feel ashamed of trusting so hard.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

Just Paradoxes

1. The more you hate a trait in someone else, the more likely you are avoiding it in yourself.

2. People who can’t trust, can’t be trusted

3. The more you try to impress people, the less impressed they’ll be.

4. The more you fail, the more likely you are to succeed.

5. The more something scares you, the more you should probably do it.

6. The more afraid you are of death, the less you’ll be able to enjoy life.

7. The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.

8. The less you care about others, the less you care about yourself.

9. The more connected we get, the more isolated we feel.

10. The more you’re afraid to fail, the more likely you are to fail.

11. The harder you push for something, the harder it will feel to achieve.

12. The more available something is, the less you will want it.

13. The best way to meet someone else is to not need to be with someone else.

14. The more honest you are about your faults; the more people will think you’re perfect.

15. The more you try to keep someone close, the further away you’ll push them.

16. The more you try to argue with someone, the less likely you are to convince them of your perspective.

17. The more choices you have, the less satisfied you are with each one.

18. The more convinced someone is that they’re right, the less they probably know.

19. The only certainty is that nothing is ever certain.

20. The only constant is change.

Mary And Max

Cried when I watched this movie, it was based on a true story and I am sharing it here hoping that my readers will take the time to watch it too. It's a very old movie by old I mean it was done in the year 2009. The message was deep and because it was based on a true story made the effect of this movie more meaningful.

Please watch and understand the work of the mind and do not belittle or make fun of people with Asperger's Syndrom. I love you Schnappi so much. Hope someday you will know me, Insya Allah.

Life's Good

Every day I woke up feeling nauseated, sometime this will last for the whole day but on good days, it will go off by midday. I’m not sure what trigger this but for sure it is not comforting at all. There were moments I will tell my little angel that I’m very sure that I’m not pregnant; and she will laugh and told me back “oh that I too am pretty sure you are not mama”. Cheeky little thing, but wait till you hear what hubby had to say about that statement. He he he………………… missing him so much especially when I’m not doing good.

This whole week has been a very busy week for me and my little angel. We have been running up and down to the insurance department to get approval for her CT scan, my operation and also my MRI. We were given to do all these on different day, therefore, it was kind of tiring for us, as both of us were down with fever and making the trip to the insurance department was a real chore.

Alhamdulillah, the approval for her CT scan was immediately given, may be in my next entry I will blog about the reason why she need to do the CT scan and the operation that she will have to go through will be a major one. My poor little angel. Yes I also got the approval for my MRI but the approval for my operation is still pending. If that does not materialize I guess I will have to put my operation on hold again. We’ll see, but what is important is that I keep on knocking on every door that I possibly can.

Anyways, life’s good. Thank you Allah.

In Pain

Have been having so much of pain lately, it can be so immense that I would bite my teeth so hard to try and control the pain. I don’t know where it’s coming from, it was like one minute I’m well and good and the next minute I will down with such uncontrollable pain. The excruciating feeling is like as though I have been suddenly stunned by a stunt gun or a sharp razor blade is cutting through all my veins. There were moments that I will cry but then I realized that crying is not the answer, then I will turn to Almighty Allah for an answer, and it gave me peace, but the pain still persists.

The doctors have been prescribing pain killer after pain killer and more pain killers. The last one that was prescribed to me knocked me off for two days. I could hardly open my eyes, just got up to do my solat, then back to bed again. I felt that I was flying most of the two days, my head felt so light thus it shuns away the pain for a moment. After the experience of that medication, I totally refused to consume it any more.

When the pain is in every single muscles of your body, even sleeping will be a chore.

Please say a little prayer for me.

Asperger

Let's Have A Chocolate Day

But........ but..... that was gone too fast.  Let's have many more chocolate days

Chicken With No Hed

As mentioned in my previous entries I have been diagnosed with Barrett’s esophagus. Like many people I was never made aware of what this disease was all about. I guess when it strikes home then like a chicken with no head, you scatter around looking and trying to understand what is affecting you at the moment, or what you are suffering from now.

Barrett's esophagus is a serious complication of gastroesophageal (GERD) reflux disease. In Barrett's esophagus, normal tissue lining the esophagus, which is the tube that carries food from the mouth to the stomach, changes to tissue that resembles the lining of the intestine. About 10% of people with chronic symptoms of GERD develop Barrett's esophagus. Thus, I’m one of the 10% people. Barrett's esophagus increases the risk of developing esophageal adenocarcinoma, which is a serious, potentially fatal cancer of the esophagus.

If you are not suffering from it, you can never understand how painful Barrett’s esophagus can be especially if it does not stop for the whole day. Any amount of food or water you take can trigger the nasty heartburn, the sour salivating, the burning sensation, heavy coughing, laryngitis, and nausea. There were moments that you could not sleep at all.

I recalled one particular incident of a bad Barrett’s esophagus moment with me, yes, I was standing in praying and the reflux was so bad that it threw out all the food that I had from my stomach to my mount. It was disgusting to mention the list, let me not described the horrible instant vomiting that accompanied that incident, as well as the pain.

I was told that this happened because with the frequent reflux that I have, thus making the normal cells in my esophagus being eventually replaced by cells that are similar to cells in the intestine to become Barrett's esophagus.

Anyways, I am due for treatment in Singapore; however, this is not happening now due to some unforeseen circumstances. I don’t want to be running out of time sooner than I would have anticipated, therefore, like I mentioned above I’m now just like a chicken with no head, scattering around, fishing and looking at what’s the next best option that I can have to have the treatment that I needed at the earliest.

Hospital

Introvert

One Eyed Mother

Hope

........ because, I Myself Don't know why

I don't know what it is, I just cry sometimes.  Maybe I'm too sensitive, may be I'm still hurting as much as I am, may be I'm oblivious to the things going on around me, may be I'm still trying hard to forgive or maybe everything of the above. When the tears starts flowing, I realized that I don't have anything to say. Please don't ask me why I'm crying.................... because, because seriously I myself don't know the reason for that crying.

I Love Autumn Because ..........

I love autumn because 

- It has beautiful colors 

- It smells better than summer and winter and spring 

- It brought rain to clean the congested air 

- It brought rain to clean all the roads of dog poops and pee 

- It is quitter than summer 

- It whispers a lot of happy news from the fallen leaves 

- It is so serene with its mysterious secrets 

- It is the most calm season of the four seasons

Bargain Hunting

Hubby always labeled me as a great bargain hunter. Well, I guess it is nice to spend less on good things if you choose to take the time to look for the right price. I have been this kind of a person ever since I can remember; I just love to go for bargain hunting. Now this behavior has become more apparent since all the money that I have will go to financing my medical needs. It is not something that I regret, not having all the branded stuff does not matter to me at all, as long as I can still look good. In this picture, no one would have guessed that the jacket I wore cost only 10 Euros and the boots was found at 50% discount. However, I think I still look good.

Please Help The Syrian Children

I have been going around looking for things that I could get to support the charity for the Syrian children. It was a very humbling thing to do and gave me strength to go on, and knowing that no matter how big I thought my problems were, the Syrian children are currently facing a bigger challenge in life. I have registered to go with the group to help with the children. God’s willing I might get the opportunity one day, but for now I’m happy trying to put a few things together for them.

@ praying for the Syrian children.

Just Sharing

I don't remember where I read this article from, I'm copy pasting it here to share the information with readers of my blog.

Sunflower seeds are a good source of selenium. Studies suggest a strong correlation between low selenium intake and cancer incidence. Selenium has been shown to induce DNA repair and synthesis in damaged cells, to inhibit the proliferation of cancer cells, and to induce their apoptosis, the self-destruct mechanism the body uses to get rid of worn out or abnormal cells. In addition, selenium is incorporated at the active site of many proteins, including glutathione peroxidase, which is particularly important for protection against cancer. One of the body's strongest antioxidant enzymes, glutathione peroxidase is used by the liver to detoxify a great many harmful molecules. When levels of glutathione peroxidase are low, these toxic molecules wreak havoc on any cells they come in contact with, damaging their DNA and prompting the development of cancer cells. One quarter of a cup provides over thirty percent of the daily value for selenium. The vitamin E so abundant in sunflower seeds has also been shown to reduce the risk of colon cancer, bladder cancer, and prostate cancer.

Cancer Is Not A Death Sentence

Having cancer is not a death sentence. I am a much happier and content person now. Everything around me has new meaning, whatever is negative I would happily ignored them and move on with my live. Family and friends can be inspirational but some can just be hypocrites and a real pain in the neck. I realized over the period of being diagnosed who I can relied on and who will just come around to be sniffers of stories. I learned a lot and become immediately more mature in my understanding of being a cancer patient. Life is good, Alhamdulillah.

May Allah’s guidance be with me always.

 

 

I Love Being Tokma

I got the opportunity to be a real grandma to my cousin's beautiful boys recently, and I'm looking forward to this opportunity again.  Please come back for a longer stay.  Missing you two so much and thinking of you always

 Jonas getting a lot better after a very high fever, finally in the mood to play with Abang again

 Let's do duck face

 or whatever faces.............. he he he

 Ice pack to sooth the swell on his forehead

 This really breaks my heart

 Another American chocolate cake ............ let me spoiled you (don't tell mama) 

 he he he.......... look at that jealous face

yea baby.... this swing is made for three

It Is Not A Hobby

If you want to get married, marry someone with Iman, God fearing, good conduct and behavior, good brain and position, don’t just grab someone that is so easily available like excess stuff in an evening market. Marriage and motherhood is not a hobby or fashionable, it is a commitment with responsibilities. If you treat those two as a hobby, miseries will be waiting for you. No one can be that desperate in life.

The Sky's The Limit

If that's your choice go for it. I don't care anymore. You think you own the world now, so be it. I can only wish you all the best. Life is about living for me now, and any other subject that could bring me down, stress me or be too bothersome, I tried my very best to bury them deeper than my own grave will be one day. Please don't turn to me one day to just hear me saying "I told you so" because I think I have said these words too often. 

The sky's the limit, go and follow your heart because you know you can, because you know I have done the best I could, because you know I am giving up on everything that is no longer important in my life.

There's Always A Child In Us

Universal Studios Singapore

 Contemplating before the push

 Trying very hard to push him to challenge the water

 He was too strong for me

 Come on

It was all fun and yes I was wet

  The real baby ...... Mikhail

A happy Tokma