Window Display

Interesting window display....................... oops spot the odd one out.

Jeng Jeng Jeng !!!!!!!!

Yesterday I was wired up and have to carry a measuring indicator or machine or whatever you want to call that thing. It was kind of stupid and hilarious, for 24 hours I felt like an I robot for most part of the time, and a ticket conductor for some part of the time.

For the whole night I had to change my position of sleeping, I am so used to be sleeping on my left but because of the machine and the wire I had to sleep on my right. I was so happy when morning came, as this means that I am hours away from taking the gadget out.

The time that we left the house, it was not that cold, but it really was gloomy, so grey and gloomy. It suddenly got me thinking of those Christopher Lee Dracula movies, where you can hear the trotting of horses or the crow and see the bat flying, yet no other life is visible. It was indeed a similar scene this morning.

Riding on the tram, I could hardly see anything except for the sad gloomy morning where the sun refused to smile. As the tram moved I wanted to play some prank by standing up and asking the passengers to show me their tickets. However, looking at their unwashed faces, they seem to be sadder than the grey gloomy morning.

The new hospital is just great, I did not have to wait long, it was such a relief once the wire and machine were taken off me…………..uhhhh!!!! I have to wait approximately 10 minutes before they called me in for my ECG and further monitoring. After which the doctor told me about the recording of the night before.

Next appointment tomorrow for further testing, and I have to come again a week after to repeat the test, and finally on January 3, 2010 the doctor will let out the secret of Pandora's box………………….. jeng jeng jeng!!!!!!!!!!

Today, I Thought

Sometimes the most random everyday things and experiences force me to stop and rethink. Through these encounters the truths and perceptions I have ingrained in my mind will become clearer pictures of my own reflection.

The experience may be just a simple incident and or moments but it thus provokes the meaning of my life. One way or the other it got me thinking about the chapters of fate.

I am sharing some of those moments that may not have such an impact but indeed a deep meaning to every second of my existence here.

1. Tonight, I was sitting on my bed watching my two angels trying to struggle themselves in my bed and under my blanket. From their body language, I could tell that they will be missing this moment with me soon and I realized that I will be missing them more. Two and one year respectively being with me here, they both made me think that precious moments are to be treasured and not to be taken for granted.

2. Today, after so many false promises and cheap hopes, I asked myself what my expectation of people will be. My answer, “Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be.”

3. Today, I remember attending the ‘wake’ of a friend, and I realized how death is to be celebrated and not to be mourned with sorrow. I saw many unfamiliar faces but they have only come together to remember what laughter and joy the demised has brought to each and every one of their lifes. I smile remembering some of the things that was said.

4. Today, I took Chef Diva out for another quality time. Weirdly enough we were not laughing our head off for nothing like usual, I gather it must be the cold wind that had taken all the senses away from her. She seems a bit quirky, and deep in thought, I wonder why.

5. Today, I waited anxiously for any of my angels to come and chat with me online, but none were there. I felt that life is passing me by; I contemplate their need for me as much as my need for them.

6. Today, I walked out alone in silence looking around me for some familiar faces to call my own but there were none. As I passed by all the shops I could only see my own reflection making me realize that it is time to let go.

7. Today, a friend became our guest. Through all the talks and laughter I still wonder how truthful can this person be? Buying me a present and promising to meet for Christmas, but I could only see blank promises. Could it be her or just my misjudgments again?

8. Today, I realized why I don’t like snow. It is only pretty for a moment, but underneath it lays all the darkness of miseries and fake of a beauty. It got me thinking about many people that are just like the snow. People of darkness, was it fate that I keep encountering them as I walk on my life?

9. Today, I saw a pretty scary looking guy who had a tall red Mohawk and tattoos and piercings all over his exposed body. I was quick to judge until I saw him helping a young mother lift her baby’s stroller onto the tram. Never ever judge a book by its cover, old proverb but lesson should be long learned already.

10. Today, I married the man that has come to my dreams way before we actually met. All this time I have been kissing too many frogs to find a man I could call my prince. He came and conquered my life, half my age younger than me he is a living proof that not all good man are taken yet. I just have to open my eyes and heart to the right one. Thank you Lord for a gift of a wonderful man.

11. Today, I got the opportunity to smell my grandson for the very first time. It is such precious moment that I wish and pine for over and over again.

12. Today, as I was riding on the tram and saw that man again sitting on the pavement in front of the shop, which spot has become his home; I wonder what a life wasted? May be someday I will see him tying some yellow ribbons around all the oak trees, may be.

13. Today, I checked my account balance and realized. “I couldn’t be any more broke!” I cried letting my tears flow shamelessly as I walked outside to gleam at the grey skies. Just then a dirty looking homeless man limped out dragging his possession of trash, why do I cry over a negative balance?

14. Today, I saw this man kneeling on his knee and holding a sign that reads “Ich bin Hunger”. I was so tempted to give him some change until I realized that he has been hungry since summer and still kneeling in the winter.

15. Today, I greeted my husband with anger when I opened the door, when in his hand he was holding a stalk of beautiful white lily for me. I forgot the sweetness of this man because I am too consumed by my own self-centered.

16. Today, I spent more than three hours with my cancer stricken girlfriend, and walked away wondering what was it that she wanted to tell me but left without saying it?

Free Will?

Sitting in our kitchen together eating our dinner, it feels kind of hollow without the noise of the angels. We will always make conversation during dinner, this is the best time to tell each other of our day, hubby his day at work, and me at home.

I told him that I got an email from my sister and that there was a sad story of suicide, someone who towards the end of a journey as a cancer victim decided to have the hands on to his ending, rather than waiting for the cancer to totally consume him.

We discussed at length about fate and free will, which of this is the path that we should rail on? The dialogue cannot be an easy one, as I was born and raised as a Muslim, of course hubby is a new comer and has a very scientific mind to address every angel of a situation.

In the evening we had a guest, so we decided to see her point of view in this matter of ending your own life. Are we ordaind by virtue of fate that free will does not play any more role in our life, I was tought to believe that since the early stage of fetal development, our life path has already been mapped. What choice do we then have to change what should or should not?

Hubby thus looked at the physic side of life, taking into consideration that we are actually living in a multi dimensional universe. This therefore will go to explain that in one universe we have been dead, but in another universe we are living our life as normal, while another universe determines the pendulum of us. Whatever, proof that we can read theoretically at the end of the day fate is the way of living.

I believe when someone ends his life so untimely he must have already weighed all the consequences, determined that being in another universe is better than the current universe. Does the factor of those left behind come into the account?

I don’t know, will never know but I believe that there is no such thing as free will, do you?………………………. Again, Dr. H, I think your advise is most appreciated.

So, So What?

So what if my private doctor is a Jew and I choose to continue using his services? We are all human after all; he does his work diligently and gives me all the tender loving care that I need as a patient.

So what if I am being referred to the Cardiologist for the second? Life has to go on and instead of thinking, pondering, lamenting about death, why don’t we start living and savor the good times, while we are still here.

So what if you think I am crazy in even considering getting that gold color winter boots? They said it was a collector’s item and was inspired by the man who walked on the moon, well that matters.

So what if the snow keeps falling, and I never get bored sitting at my window, watching the snow fall, again and again? I am pretty sure there is no one that I am hurting in doing so.

So what if you keep on talking about me? But it is important that I am getting to do the last laugh. They said those who laugh last laugh longer. Believe me, I am.

So what if the ticket price is getting higher by the hour? I believe if you have to do something, you will find a way to make this happens.

So what if you know that I am moving? You don’t owe me my life, neither I you.

So what if this pair of glasses that I bought about 7 months ago cost me a bomb and it is failing me now? I believe that if you see something that you like and at that moment of time has got the avenue to possess it, just go for it and don’t look back.

So what this is my life, stop trying to interfere with it. Don’t even try because you will not even get past the preface of this life of mine.

So, so what?