How Can I Find A Way To Fly Out Of My Body?

Since my last entry, I have been struggling with my unpredictable emotions. I feel that I am hopeless; I suck at even the easiest chore in my daily routine. My pride by far still does not allow me to show my tears to anyone but me, yeah, every couple of days I will take time to cry alone in the shower. What has become of me?

Almost every day my mind is overcome with grumpy irritation, uncalled for stress, silent sadness, and overwhelming sense of anger. It is not easy to live this way because whatever is on my mind can only be on my mind. Hence, I have to laugh and smile even when deep inside I am someone else.

These things on my mind are suffocating me, and the lack of sleep is killing me. I am not a moody person, I like to laugh a lot, I like making stupid jokes, but now I am almost so stressed, just thinking of ways to overcome the horrible pain.

Last Friday, in the heavy rain, I forced myself to walk to the doctor’s office again. It is not a trip that I enjoyed doing, his clinic was full. In my wet jacket I took a place in the queue and I so hate doing this. It is because I cannot stand the smell of people, the scent of their BO is just impossible to bear, especially when I have this nausea feeling almost all the time.

For some reasons my doctor was too busy and I was assigned to his wife, this is the first time ever that I have been sent to her. The moment she greeted me at her office, I wanted to immediately throw up. Her BO, oh my God, I could not take it, I was trying hard to control myself, saliva started to form in my mouth, I wish I could just be honest and let her know that she is making me feel more sick than I already am.

I answered a couple of questions quickly, I am not sure though if my answers were right to her questions. I want to run; I don’t want to embarrass her. I swear to God should she had kept me a moment longer, I might just faint from trying to control my breath and holding my puke.

Anyways, I surrendered myself to yet another injection, which does not, has any effect on me anymore. I was prescribed a stronger painkiller; and since I have taken too many medications, nothing works anymore. I feel horrible having to be dependent on this concoction of the giant medical industries.

I feel that every steps that I am taking now to overcome my problem is leading me to nowhere, in fact I am feeling more lost and with no definite direction, I would be lying if I don’t feel that somehow my faith is shaken.

How can I find a way to fly out of my body?