My Best Will Never Be Enough

A message in my inbox read, ahhh……………….. just got back from the fish spa, my daughter’s mother’s day gift for me. I smiled feeling happy for my good friend, Alhamdulillah, her three kids really treated her like a queen, even though she is still working and earning for herself.

It brought back memories, when I was forced to live with my grandparents, aunties and uncles and I don’t know who else. I have to grow up faster than my age, and mental capabilities would allow me. Being the youngest to be sent to live with all the adults, I became very reclusive, I just hated everything, and my only happiness is when my parents were back, or when I hopped on to the bus that will take me back across the causeway.

The house was cramped all the time; you see people and people every corner of the house, what I don’t get to see always was my parents face. I use to pine for them and at the same time was so upset why I was sent away from them.

At my young age, I witnessed a lot of unpleasantness; it is still very difficult to erase them in total from my memory bank, though I am no longer spiteful. One incident that will stay forever in my mind’s eyes was the day my mom was verbally abused by her own mom. I was so petrified and scared, I saw my mom crying so much till she has to be taken to the hospital, and was hospitalized for a couple of days. Since that incidence I became a person who does a lot of problem solving in my own tiny head.

When I grow up all I wanted to do was to give my mom everything, despite the difficulties that I have on my own, I just want to give her the world, I never forget to send her gifts or the least a card on mother’s day, to me this is the only way to help her erase all the abused that she received prior, but I guess when you try so hard you can never be good enough.

However, I make a vow that I will never be an abused mom; I will not demand time, money or love from my kids. Like me they never asked to be born, and the only thing that I can do is to be the best possible person/mom/friend to them, yet I also know that my best will never be enough, but I will not stop trying.

Do you wonder if I am still hurting, yes I am……………………………