My Journey Is Yet To Be Completed.

I realized that I have been a total mess these couple of days. I don't know why everything is agitating me. Now that hubby is settled in, I am back to concentrating on my situation. The pain is a real bother, I blamed it on the weather as the spreading of the pain is quicker than I had anticipated. At this point of time in my life, I will try to blame it on anything.

The feeling of helplessness can be unbearable especially when I am in the shower or cooking in the kitchen, or walking alone in the bitter weather. The pain is limiting too much of my movement, I don't like to cry for help each time I could not do something, I am too proud for that. The doctors' appointment are piling up, I know I have to go whether I like it or not, I cannot cheat myself of the truth. Just thinking of how I will be in a couple of years make me sad, and the self pitying syndrome sets in. It played with my emotions like a roller coaster, it took me to the highest point of adrenaline rush and to the lows of hopelessness again and again. And yeah, the tears become a mixture of broken pieces and unsettling feelings of the unknown.

No, I told myself in between tears, I am not going to cry. It is not me; I don’t cry anymore, I have stopped doing that for a long time. I know I am a broken person, broken into millions of pieces, and the situation of my sickness is not helping either, but my spirit is still intact, I am still strong. The dark time will pass, the hurt will be buried, but the broken pieces will remain very much a part of me.

Life is a destiny; my journey is yet to be completed.

Your Message Awakens A Very Sad Chapter Of My Life

I just feel like crying, that message from you was so hard to accept. You wanted to be the advocates in every situation, a hero in every waking eye, yet you are as cold as a witches tit. You are obsessed with leaving a hard print in this world, and you will buy every poor soul with your money to claim the position that you hunger for.

Why, I wonder, why? I guess it is true that money conquers all. Yeah, you have all the money that you can throw around like nobody’s business. I am happy for you but are you happy?

Please let me tell you that your advocacy does not work with me. You can all gang up together against me, it doesn’t matter. If you all can believe all the lies and hail the liar as a champion, I will put everything else to rest. Have fun while you are still riding high.

But I am crying harder now. I didn’t want to, but I could not stop myself. A thousand pictures suddenly flashing in my mind through that message, I am tired of all the dramas, yet I am still human and I have a heart. I could not stop myself, so I encourage my thought to walk down the aisle of all the bad things and time. I keep feeding and feeding my mind, moving from one sad episode to another and another until I realized that I was crying so hard, so hard that I could not even breath properly, and I had to gasp for breath in between my sobbing.

Your message awakens a very sad chapter of my life that I had thought buried and left in an unmarked place.

Thank You

He is finally home and recuperating, Alhamdulillah. Next Tuesday, he will have to go back to the hospital to have the tubes and screws removed. I hope it will not be another painful ordeal for him.


Thank you to all well-wishers, thank you for your kind words and prayers.

This Is The Lord That I Am Speaking To

It was a super cold night and it has been this way for more than a week, the temperature fluctuates from -9 degree to -15 degree. However, amazingly the night was not as dark as the past winter seasons, there is always moon and stars in the sky, which make the scenery breathtakingly beautiful.

It was moment like this that keeps me awake and thinking of the glorious of the creator. Of late I have been puzzled how people are so daring to quote and unquote things of religious belief, be it right or otherwise questionable. Is this how they want to show that they are righteous and a deep believer? I don’t know, but I have deep fear in spreading things or quotes that are assumption of others, without refereeing to the “al-kitab”, or “al-Kuran”.

There’s no point in me trying to conjure up grandiose prayers in some lame attempt to be a superstar believer. This is the Lord that I am speaking to, and He knows what is truth and otherwise. My belief is mine and mine alone, I need not convince anyone of what I do or I don’t do. I need not preach of things that I have no firsthand knowledge off.

InsyaAllah.

It Is Horrible To See Him This Miserable.

 

  

 

  

On his third day at the hospital, hubby was as miserable as a sin. This is mainly because I have other errands to run and could not come to see him in the morning. I felt bad when he’s miserable this way. I don’t remember how many times the phone rang just to hear him complaining and complaining. My poor baby

The temperature had now dropped to -11 degree and whatever I have to do outside the house seemed to be twice as difficult, especially when I have to do it all by myself. There were moments or two when I realized that my mind and my physical being were not in sync. Funny but trust me I can be that confused in this bitter weather.

Anyways, it was a super long wait for him because by the time I finished my errands, cooked his meals, pack and put back my sleeping bag on, it was already nearly 5pm in the evening.

When I saw him today, I swear he has never looked more miserable. His facial hair was all grown, there was no smile, lips were so dried, eyes were so sad, disappointed and angry at the same time, but most of all he was starving.

Alhamdulillah, he finished most of the food that I brought for him, and today was chicken liver with potatoes, loads of ginger, black pepper, onions, and fresh parsley. His taste bud was not back to normal, but because he was so hungry he managed to take the food.

I decided to stay a little bit longer just to make up for lost time in the morning. I hope they will allow him home soon. It is horrible to see him this miserable.