Thank You Alia

Thank you Alia for the beautiful card and bear stickers. It brings joy to my heart to know that someday you do still think of me. Love - mama

I Will Do Anything

Often, I wonder before I was diagnosed with cancer, what could it be that when people were diagnosed with cancer that made them so sad and so angry. And I still did not get the answer until now. When I was hammered with the news, I remember the first thing that came to my mind was “the Lord is testing me” and after that everything was blank.

Honestly, I don’t remember most of the words that were spoken to me by the doctor except that “you have cancer” and “don’t be afraid, I will make you live to be a 100”. After that was his firm handshake, and paper works for the operation to take place ASAP. The first two persons to know of the news were my hubby and little angel. I don’t understand why they were crying then, as my mind was still blank. Amazing, how I managed to move from one department to the other to get all the paper works organized. Only He knows.

Again there are a lot of things about being diagnosed with cancer that make you feel like you have no control. It is as though you are now incapable of carrying on with the norm in your life. Every other day will be interrupted with doctor’s appointment, scans, blood works, injections etc etc. Then you will notice the effects of the drugs, your movement became slower due to the operation which takes a long time to heal, and then once healed you will never be able to erase the physical surgical scars, you will take that scars with you to the grave. In my case, I am always feeling the scars with my hand on a daily basis as they sat on four places of my abdomen, and cannot avoid being reminded again and again.

For now I wish the treatment will be over soon, but that will not be the case. In fact, I put on hold another operation due to the fact of backlog medical bills. I wish I can put the experience in a back drawer and not open it again, but some wishes are never meant to be. I will do anything to take back the control of my life.

Waiting and counting…………………..

I Could Not Afford To Maintain This Disease

I just had my 3 monthly check-up, my CA125 is slightly elevated, though well within normal range, my doctor was happy with the count and put me on another appointment, blood work and further injection. I told myself not to be too concerned but on the other hand I still had this not so happy feeling as it seems that I am still not in control of my disease.

The weather is sharing my feelings at the moment, yeah it is spring and the snow is still falling, covering the road white and thick, and can be slippery too as the municipal had cleared the small pebbles on the road. The sun is smiling and I am loving it, but it is still cold at -5, nothing much I can do in term of starting my long walks again. I am a home person, I love being in my crib but I am longing to have my windows open, to hear the birds sing, to see the green trees at the courtyard and to just smell spring………………. But not just yet!!!

Now I am thinking of going back on the wagon, in fact I have started to be involved with a couple of activities, but not a hundred percent. I feel that when I am actively doing something I will definitely feel much better. May be in one way or the other it will help me to make some sense of this intrusive senseless disease that is driving me all over the place.

Many a moment I had decided to just ignore it, maybe the doctors had made a mistake, maybe it is not me after all, maybe I should just sing away all the sadness that it is causing me, I need to be on the path of my life again, happy and nonchalant. I have become increasingly angry and resentful because I could not afford to maintain this disease much longer and guess what that is not a good look at all.

What's With The Silence?

So what's with the silence? ...................... Nothing.. but trying to get my appetite in the right manner again..............

 I got my "asam kecut" which is not sour at all but "kecut" nevertheless, whose complaining?

 I finally got the fish crackers that I have been craving for, for so long.  A nice lay decided to sell some of hers to me, Alahmdulillah

 I bake hubby a nice chocolate cake, because he was sick and he was taking good care of me when I needed him.

 Stock up the refrigerator with diet sodas, it gives a nice taste to a lousy appetite

Oh yes, this is the best, found some fresh red chili and cook this chili aubergine...... heavens.

Food Attitude

With all my mood swings, and the attitude that I have towards food nowadays, and it is really anyone's guess to what I will eat or will not eat. Hubby and my little angel never give up in trying to come up with ideas of food. Here are some of them:

 Cheese omelette that my little angel made, immediately upon returning home from school for me when she noticed that I have not had any meal since morning

 Hubby's version of curry mee.  It was nice, very nice indeed, but of late I have been complaining to the exact taste that I wanted.  Poor hubby, it is really not his fault

 Cod fish fritters, I made this, and everyone likes them except of course, yours truly

 Potato croquette.............. nah looks nice, but I am so not in the mood for it 

 Hubby took me for lunch one day after my hospital appointment, and this was my order.  It ended up being packed to take home for my little angel.  I don't like it at all.

Trying something out of my comfort zone, Arabic bread, with hummus, olive, yogurt, fresh tomato and parsley prepared by hubby.  One look at them and I left to continue my sleep. 

I Am Losing My Zest

I think I have taken a force hiatus to the movement of my treatment, it was never plan, it was never thought that I could be bold enough to not be afraid of my health situation, but I believe everything happens for a reason.

Looking back at the appointed times, what I believed was supposed to happen will not happen without His grace. I am blessed, and I have the least of worries. If He wants it then it will happen, for now I am moving on.

This is me playing a secret game of tug of war with Ovarian Cancer. I have mentioned a couple of time in my other entry the medical fees here is impossible at times, every one, every department within the circle that supposedly were to give you the treatment wants a cut of the payment that you were requested to pay. From your GP, to the consultant, to the hospital, and to the apotheke, at every stop a bill will be issued. It is ridiculous but this is the reality of life here.

I am in a love and hate relationship with the medical department here, but lately I am pretending that they do not exist anymore, I pretend that I have forgotten the many appointments that I was supposed to go to, I pretend that they are not the integral part of my life. This is the only way to make me feel happy, and not be sad because I could not meet up to the financial requirement of my medical needs.

However, I am just human, and then there is this very big part of me that feels that I am guilty of not doing enough justice to myself. I feel that I am not pulling or fighting hard against this disease. I am at this juncture of my life, I thought that nothing would be difficult, but I was wrong.

I am losing my zest and that makes me sad.

Amazing !!!!!!

I have so much of cravings, yesterday I told my little angel that I wanted to drink those cold milo ice where they also added the milo on top of the ice and we can drink and crunch on the milo as well……………… hemmm, miss, miss, miss. Last night I told hubby that I could almost smell the ‘teh tarik’ at the ‘mamak’ stall, and could see the bubble on top of the tea as it is being pulled. OMG……. My craving is really getting the best of me.

It is an experience that I am still trying to understand, how the medicine could control your mind and the taste buds. Amazing !!!!!

I could stay all day long without food, just drinking plain water, and then my mind suddenly starts working in the most unthinkable craving for foods that are almost impossible to be found here.

Last night, I was hit by the hunger pang, and nothing works much except a bowl of tom yum instant noodle. Help me Lord.

The Unpredictable Sweet Man

I have this habit of walking in the dark, refusing to switch on the light even when everyone was complaining of the darkness. This dawn after my ‘subuh’ prayer, I tiptoed in the darkness towards my bed, it was still very early, and I do not want to disturb hubby who’s fast asleep. The norm for me upon reaching my bed was to reach out for my computer table and pulled it closed to me.

As I was reaching out with my hands to see where I had last put my reading glasses, I could feel that there was a plastic wrapped enveloped on my computer, strange I thought. Could it be that Allah has sent me His miracle? Could it be the money that I have been asking for in that envelope? Yes, I have been thinking a lot of late in how to come out with the settlement of my medical bills in order for me to keep on with my treatment.

I switch on the light on my very old Nokia phone to help me see in the dark; and slowly and quietly I opened the plastic folder, took out the envelope and opened it, there was a card inside the envelope, but, wait a minute ………………….. there was no money jumping out of the card. He he he, it was not the miracle that I was waiting for after all.

It was a card from hubby, for no occasion, I smiled as I read the card in the dimness of the dawn. This man can be so unpredictable yet so sweet. Ten years down and still doing this, how can that not make me happy? Thank you Lord for your gift, I could not ask for someone better to be my husband.

March is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

March is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month.

The disease is Ovarian cancer and the PLAN is to make women AWARE OF THE SYMPTOMS:

•     Unexplained BLOATING
•     FEELING FULL quickly or loss of appetite
•     Pelvic or stomach PAIN
•     Needing to pee urgently or more frequently than normal

Please understand your body when it is talking to you and do not take things for granted.

I Am Terribly Sorry

This is the monthly ‘yasin’, look at the variety of foods prepared for the guest. Everything looked so yummy but most of the time I could only taste them with my eyes. The desire to eat was funny, so in the end I was munching on one ‘wajik durian’ after the other. It was so well prepared, not too sweet and not too hard. On this day I felt very bad for the host because she offered me to try her ‘bakso’ and I did, but really I could not swallow all of them down, and I had to throw the rest in the bin just when the host came around to ask me whether I like it or not? Sorry, I am terribly sorry, may Allah forgive me for this act of behavior, but I really could not swallow it down and of course no one else will eat after me. Forgive me Allah.

 

I Ponder My Life

By the river, I ponder my life and wait for spring to come......................

Gado-Gado For Dinner

Combination of boiled vegetables plus tofu can be a very welcoming dinner served. Since there were not many choice of vegetables that I favored and would like to have in this combination could be found here, I was left with no choice but cabbage, bean sprout and carrot, then I add boiled eggs as well as tofu. This combination in actual fact is gado-gado (the famous Indonesian salad) served with peanut sauce and I got mine courtesy of my cousin (thanks Nana). It was a satisfying dinner for me of course. Hoping my appetite will be better each day.

Life Will Hit Us Hard

I learned that life will hit us hard in the face when you least expected it, when you think that everything is going smooth and that all the grey matters have been ironed out. And when you get back up on your feet it can always come kicking you hard again and again, till you don’t even know which direction you should be turning to; yet you refused to surrender and to be defeated. It hurts a lot, mind you a lot and you began to wonder how to have a quick fix to all the blows that were given to you. No matter how hard I tried, I found that my hands are always too small to catch all the pain that I wanted to be healed from.

Huge Elephant

It is right; they said that every day is a new day which brought with it a new beginning and a new life. However, this feeling that I am having like as though there is a huge elephant sitting on my chest remain with me every single day now and have been for a while. It is suffocating me, dragging me down and I find it very difficult to focus on many everyday things. I get easily annoyed by simple things and, that made me refused to have any conversation with anyone. I feel that I am just lost at this point of my life, and yes, I am heartbroken too.

Rice Porridge

Rice porridge is the best to eat when nothing else is welcoming to your palate. I am still confused to what is the caused to the strange change of my palate. It is super annoying and whilst everyone else enjoyed the food, I was left wondering often at the dining table.

Anyone interested here is how my rice porridge is cook.

Ingredients 

2 cups of rice (I use basmati)
Some meat – cut into thin slices (beef or chicken depending on what you have in the freezer)
Some Baby bok choy
1 whole medium sized yellow onion, 3 cloves garlic and 2 inch ginger (chopped finely)
Salt and pepper to taste

Method

Wash rice, put in a deep pot add together with the meat and add about 5 cups of water, leave to boil on medium high heat. It might take a couple of hours for the rice to be disintegrated to porridge like texture. You might need to add some more water if necessary depending on the texture of the rice. Add salt and pepper to taste. Finally add the baby bok choy and all the chopped onion, garlic and ginger. Served hot.