This Is My Destiny Now.

The weather was so gloomy this morning, I have not been sleeping the whole night, and as I got dressing I could not ignore the millions of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Odd, I thought, really odd.

The clock said it was already passed 0815 hours and I have scheduled myself to leave the house by that time so that I can make it in time for the 0900 hours appointment. My little angel insisted on coming with me, so that holds me back a little as like a real diva, she took hours in front of the mirror. Girls after all.

The waiting at the hospital does not take long, actually for the first time I was not worried that if it will take the whole day to call my name. However, that was not the case this morning; my turn came rather too quickly.

In the doctors’ room I noticed the familiar faces of the team that was with me during my first appointment before the biopsy. It’s my doctor, his assistant, the medical secretary and another clerical assistant. I shook my doctor’s hand and calmly took the seat next to him. There were no smile on any of their faces; they were not even making eye contact with me except for my doctor.

“I have bad news for you”, he said and looked me deep in my eyes. I felt the rushed of blood to my face and my head, I managed the “selawat” quickly and he continued “you have carcinoma.” I played dumbed and asked him, what was that? Slowly he looked at me again and said “that mean you have cancer”. I don’t know if I am hearing the right words, but not a single sound came out from me, all the information that I have gathered during my time as a voluntary at the cancer association went away just like that. I sat there and keep looking at my doctor’s face as he went on with his explanation.

Next I know everyone was suddenly very busy, the medical secretary was typing away, the clerical assistant was making calls and organizing my papers. The doctor’s assistant was giving some instruction in German except for me and my doctor. We had a further discussion and next I know I have been scheduled for another operation on November 19, 2012. From this operation, they will decide the treatment to be followed. It could be chemo and radiation or it could be just radiation, all depending on the outcome of the operation.

This is my destiny now.