A Secret Told

Hubby asked me why you hate going to the toilet so much, I know the toilet is a place that if possible I do not wish to visit; however, this is not so, therefore I will only be visiting the toilet as and when the urge to ease my bowels is no longer bearable.

Due to this fear of being in the toilet for whatever reasons I have acquired a condition of pursuing constipation (I hope that makes sense). Sometimes I will go for almost a full week before making the dreadful trip to the toilet, and I will be so bloated to the point that it will be so uncomfortable to even have a good sleep in the night.

There was a kept secret to my mind being tuned in such a manner, they told me that unless you talk about it or you confront the fear then you will not be able to resolve the problem. I need to break loose from this kept secret, and I have decided that today is the day. Some may find this entry gross, my apology from the start ok.

When I was sent to stay with my grandparents after living in Singapore, the worse experience was the toilet. I remember the toilet was a rectangular shaped wooden cabin, located away from the main house, surrounded by trees and shrubs. The smell of the toilet even before you enter was enough for your stomach to come up to your throat. In the toilet we have to squat on top a hole where some kind of basin or old kerosene tin was placed, this is to hold your shit. There were days when you enter the toilet; you will find maggots all over the toilet floor. This is because the old Chinese man who regularly came to collect the shit would either be sick or on some vacation.

Because of all this obscenity of a toilet, I trained myself not to go to the toilet at all. I choose to ease myself at school or there were times, I will poop on some old news papers, wrapping the poop neatly and discarding them in one of the big drains behind my grandparent’s house.

Sadly, up to this moment, no matter what house or how exclusive a toilet can be I will not be able to enjoy my pooping moment. The picture of those maggots crawling up my butt is too much for me to erase off my mind.

Opening this fear through this entry, I hope to heal myself of the toilet fear slowly and hope to succeed surely. insyaAllah.