I Sure Have A Heart

How often in life will you experience the dejected feeling of being left alone, of being speculated about, of being the topic of every gathering, and of being the one that no one wishes to know yet loves to be informed of? How often?

I can say that I have been, still am and will be that someone maybe for as long as I am living or even may be when I am already long gone. In my younger days I used to confront each and every one who dares treat me with a tinge of disgrace. I will stop at nothing, and will be too happy to lose some friends along the way. Friends do not really play a major role in my life, neither do families of such nuisance.

I wish to celebrate my life at this age, therefore, putting aside all these housewife talks, evening tea gossiping and family get together whispering has been top most important to me. I want each and every one of you to know that I have been successful at that, and yes it is also important to let you know that I am happy, very happy indeed, Alhamdulillah.

So people enjoy your talks, I forgive you and may the Lord forgive you too. I don’t have much but I sure have a heart.

I Am High

I am down and out, high on drugs, so if at any one time I am talking to you and suddenly you heard the phone dropped then that can only mean that I must be already dozing off.

If I am chatting with you and you can see that the topic is not focus, just let it be. The possibility of me not seeing things right at this point of time is very high. Some of the medication is singing lullaby to me all the time.

In So Much Pain

At one point when the pain was so excruciating, I quietly whisper to the Lord “I am ready, just protect the six people that I love so much with all your blessing”.

It was 4 am in the morning, I could not stand up, could not move, or turn, and I have never felt so much pain, at least not after my major operation.

Uncertainty

For the past two days I have been hit by an uncertainty of waves. I guess I must have anticipated that it will come gradually if not sooner, it is so critical that everything peaceful suddenly becomes fiery, and then I also realized that I have some kind of memory lapse when I am being hit by these waves.

I cannot even imagine putting reasons to why these waves can be such obstruction to my norm. Somehow when I think again it is weird for someone like me to fall prey to the waves every once in a grey moon. Funny as you may think there would be very little that warrants such a situation, it came from nowhere. It is not like there will be an earthquake tremor to trigger this, there can be absolutely nothing but it just comes crashing on me, just like that.

I must also not deny the fact that there were moments I could be hit real hard, just like those fishing boats in the middle of the ocean, suddenly being hit with a huge high wave that is without warning, and could either break me to pieces, or stun me to numbness. It will effect my emotions so bad that the reel of bad memories will just keep playing the stories that I have had long thought buried. When this happens it weakens me so much so that I just want to hide in the closet, only to be discovered when I am ready to smile again.

So yes, to each and every one of you that is living with me physically or virtually, just remember that I can get hit by these waves. Therefore, if I start to snare at you, just tolerate my moment, just be nice to me, or better just leave me alone.

At This Age

So you say you are a mother, a good mother at least, who could not love her kids any less. Are you? Or are you in disillusion? Do you think being a mother is like playing with Barbie, meaning when you feel like it, you will take the Barbie and shower her with your undivided attention, but once you are bored, you will just throw the Barbie wherever you think is appropriate.

Wake up; please wake up before it is too late.

What kind of a mother will deny her own kids a good education, and rather spend the money in the pretext of visiting the Lord’s magnificent home, and come back a mighty monster. What kind of a mother will leave her own kids scattered around with no direction, while she is busy keeping “a good friend” company. What kind of a mother will encourage her underage daughter to befriend strangers on the internet and allows her to carry on with the relationship.

Are you not ashamed? Are you that senseless? Or you are just plain stupid?
You give them a home, but it is more like a pig sty, you give them love but not attention, you give them freedom but without any guidance, you think you can give them the world but without being a real mother is it?

I am not surprised with your etiquette, because like many of them you have come under my roof once too often. I have been there when you were at your lowest and when others would prefer to see you begging on the road before giving their hand for support. But you are getting to the peak of your bizarre behavior, at the age when most would repent, and turn to the Lord for forgiveness.

Actually, I told myself that I do not want to get involved, meaning I don’t even want to know about you. But when my cotton candies are at stake, I cannot help but feel like shaking you up.

Please, please look into their eyes, and tell them that you are their mother, and not just someone who brought them here accidentally.